TOUGH OLE TUESDAY

It must have been a real effort to get going this morning after a few days off.

The bloody schoolkids are still off as they woke me up at 8.30 kicking their fucking football in the street. I do feel like shouting something at them. They'll hurl abuse at me if they see some half-naked ole geezer at his bedroom window shouting the odds at them. The half-naked bit is because that is all the window will show of me, just in case you wondered!!

Maggie was off out before 9am to her local ladies gym session to work up a sweat and tense up the slack bits. I won't say anymore than that!! I made the usual teapot full and made another 1 hour later. That's how long it normally takes me to feel semi- awake these days. If I have to be somewhere at 9am, I get up at 7am. I spend this time listening to Radio 4 and doing yesterday's Sudoku or another one in another paper. If I finish these I do the non-cryptic crossword. It usually takes me a week to finish the Saturday Times T2 crossword. They included a new SAMURAI SUDOKU this weekend. It's 5 separate Sudokus, all 9 x 9 shapes with the centre one interlinked on all sides by the other 4. What a mad arrangement. Needless to say, I've not done it yet. I do think they the media are overcooking the SUDOKU now. When a tart like Carol Voderpants start competing with us clever bastards, I think it's time to move onto something else. You really can't have every assole in the country doing it otherwise it'll become like Big Brother. May I suggest that those of you who feel the same way as me turn to jigsaw putting together. Or, howabout BLOGGING?
I actually started reading one of my 5 old library books that I purchased for £1 over the week end. I am determined to read more than one novel each year from now on!!

My lovely daughter is flying to Austin, Texas tomorrow on American Airlines. You will remember that it was 2 AA planes that contacted with twin towers of the WTC in New York. Being a fatalist, I'm not phased one bit at the thought of her flying to the States neither will be CL. She is made of sterner stuff and represents true British grit as we used to know it. It's called BALLS!! Fuck all to do with religion and extremists. Anyway, she's off to attend a seminar where all top brained people meet to give presentations and tell the assembled throng how good they all are.
I think it's called networking or is it arse-licking? No matter, she'll will getting her PhD as a result of her efforts.

I'll still be glad when she has returned to our sceptered isle.

More plants have arrived today courtesy of the mother -in-law. I'll have to dig up the patio in order to find the dirt to plant the buggers.

Later...........................

BANK HOLIDAY WEEKEND

I guess it is nice to have few days off from the grudge of working for a boss for a couple of days. Catch up with the washing, ironing and mowing the lawn. I have not anything at all worthy in that direction as I don't have to anymore. There were plenty around our house doing it. Next door mowed the lawn, the other next door took down a garden shed and erected a bigger one. He was bloody noisy and I was concerned that he awake Maggie who is working nights. The guy opposite, called Guy, painted his garage and front doors a dark navy. The other chap opposite washed his 2 cars and spend the whole of Monday sat on his drive polishing the chrome on his old Harley Davison. Dead opposite live Korean people and early Sunday morning I could hear all this chicken language (the sounds they make when communicating) and there were about a dozen young people all assembling in the road packing up a van ready to go off somewhere. They must have come in the night and were setting off on the next leg of their journey. What a performance.

On my toddling routine around the estate today, I passed pleasantries with an old girl cleaning down her garden gate. She stopped to sieze the moment - an opportunity to talk and me too. I heard all about the period she had spent as a children's nanny in Broadstairs and the day she met Michael Wilder and Elizabeth Taylor (whom she later married). The drunken parties, sex on the beach and all the things that famous people do. Those days they got away with it and nobody knew. The time she went to the beach with her charge and this soldier walked along and asked her to join him in the sea. She had to refuse but he just stripped off in front of her and bowled into the sea stark naked!! Those were the days, she said. I could not stay listening any longer so I made my excuses and toddled off. I'm sure that she would have offered me a chair to sit down if I wanted to. But I need to exercise and have a pee.

Bill Oddie is back on TV with the fantastic Simon King. He's on Mull watching Fish Eagles. Did you see him on Bass Rock, last year watching the gulls and those fantastic peregrine falcons in Somerset. Sensible chap keeping away from Bill who does prattle on like an old woman. Still I like the programme as the filming is excellent.Our birdlife is not as exciting. The starlings and their babies perform in the bird bath and the goldfinches visit daily. The blackbirds have failed to nest in our Lleylandii due to the cats stalking them. But they still venture in to feed. Next doors football frightens them all off when it lands on our lawn. What can you do??

Enjoy getting up for work tomorrow.........................

SACRE BLEAU

Oui Oui Non Non!!!!! Our Froggie freiends are going to decide the fate of Europe on Sunday.

I like the French. No nonsense, yes or no, live or die, please or displease, selfish, patriotic and that oh so sexy accent. Personally, they should really vote oui. Because without a united Europe we ain't anything. The UK is already the 53rd state of America and likely to continue so until the fucking Tories make up their minds. Without a united Europe, no body except Al Qu'eda can stop the Americans. And there lies the rub. How can Europe be united. No common culture, no common lingo, no common agreements, nothing remotely common about our individual constitutions, laws, taxes, military, resources, energy......... the list is endless. So the French will vote Non because that is what we expect them to do. They don't even like their president - Blair likes him more!!! But you can't fault the French. They just don't give a fuck about anyone else except themselves. The reason for this state of affairs is the guillotine!! Quite simply a marvellous invention, so simple, clean and swift and extremely effective in quelling any fears about self survival and instilling a self -preservational attitude. I think it was the mid 1700's when Mons Guillotine invented this contraption and it played a vital part in forming French society as we love/hate today. SURVIVAL of the fittest, loyalist, cunningist, non-royalist plebians. This is who the French are, I believe.
We, on the other hand, went through religious persecution and destruction with a load of royalist hate thrown in, all of which has made us Brits a deeply suspicious lot and is this what causes us to sit on the fence on many decisions? But, history has shown that we can take a stand on certain fundamental issues. We know that we live in a nanny state today, but why do we allow it to stay as it is?? Why are we becoming anarchic???

Please debate with me on these issues.

I really don't know whats happened to our climate. We had thunder last night. Today it is so windy that it has blown over 2 of my potted plants on the patio. The direction is easterly, off the north sea and so it's bloody freezing again. Another 3 weeks will be mid-summer and the days will then be getting shorter as winter draws anigh!!!!

Oh, how I long for the African climate...............................

FRIDAY 27 MAY 2005

My last weekly bus trip into York was very uneventful excepting for the grumpy old driver who shouted at people to move down the bus and then slammed shut the door in some old biddies face as she tried to get on. Bugger them he thought - if they can't see that my bus is full, I'll fix them.

I must admit that people do behave like sheep when they are "en masse". It must be the herding instinct, like rubber neckers on roads when there's been an accident or the ogglers when there's been a happening or just plain nosey parkers. I tend to do the opposite when confronted by such situations. My sense tells me to keep well clear or else you could become embroiled in something you didn't bargain for. I will say that throughout my life, I've tended to do the exact opposite of the majority. That's should tell you budding physiologists something about me!!

I was knackered in the pm (again) so had a lie down and listened to Classic FM. Maggie tends to stare at the TV in the afternoons after she has been on night duty, so she doesn't miss me. While most of the country basked in the hottest May day ever, it was cold, wet and windy up here especially pm. In fact, we had the gasfire on. We live in strange times. It's not just me, is it??

I am trying to fix up a holiday for us both. Maggie has some leave in October and I've been given the task to find somewhere to go and stay for a few days. It's a real problem. I'm the real problem. Coach holidays are out on the account of lack of leg-room, too much time sitting about travelling and the type of people that tend to go on this sort of holiday. Sounds snobbish, but there you are. Going long distances in the car is no fun either. Flying holidays are out as I'm the problem. Also, we just don't have the money anymore. Personally, I'm not worried about going away. I'm just as happy going out for days here and there. Maggie can put me in my lovely NHS wheelchair, which has been collecting dust sat in the garage ever since I got it last November, and push me over the cliffs at Whitby. Maybe, I'll suggest that to her.

Well, that's my last adult education class done today. I'll have to find another course to do. I wish that more males could go. The day-time courses are mainly female dominated and they don't know when to shut up!!! It's been good to go and learn new things especially as I don't have to pay. I didn't meet anyone in particular that I would want to see again. Sue was nice, though. She helped me to do a spot of research on a Scottish family history website to find ancestors for Maggie's father. She gave copies of a number of entries for him. I'm now trying to relate this information to the right person. It'll take ages to substantiate the info. But then, time is not precious to me any more. I thought that Hardy was an uncommon name. But a survey of surnames done in 1887 showed approx. 120,000 Hardy's out of a total population of 30 million throughout the UK then.

So, I'm nobody special.............................

TOUCHY THURSDAY

It's the way I feel today and ,in fact, most days these days. A bit irritable and grouchy - not much change then, some would say. Maggie constantly being nice to me and enquiring of my general level of pain - I get fed up with it. I never know what to say - not bad, not too bad, ok, alright, so so, etc etc. I can never say, fine, thank you, very well or just plain well. That would be lying because I'm not alright, am I when you have a chronic disease.
If I was ok, I wouldn't be sat here at home with fuck-all to do. I wouldn't have a tin box full of drugs or a calendar full of doctors, nurses and hospital appointments if I was well, would I?
I used to say fine thanks, how are you? People who knew me when I was doing a proper job just ignored my limp and obvious discomfort. When I was self employed, people, mainly bloody customers, used to grimace when they saw me performing trying to photocopy something. Heaven help them if the machine threw a wobbler - I certainly let them knew how I felt about my business, the town and sad lot of the ranks of self-employed. That was before i got onto politics and VAT!!! I now know that being self employed is a very sobering and levelling experience. You learn for the first time in your life what exactly YOU are like. I discovered that I was a total wanking bastard. Poor self delusion of the fact that I was an appalling employee. How I survived for 10 years without topping someone or myself is a fucking miracle. All I can say is that I made my own bed of nails- so lie on it and suffer and, by the way, put your wife and family on the bed as well!!

I must have burnt money faster than any at Le Mans. If I give you some figures, you'll know what I'm twatting on about. I paid Cash £35k- redundancy money. Took a £60k business loan. Spent about another £20k savings. That was before I opened the front door. Over the 10 years, I poured in at least another £100k raised from Dads estate and overdrafts. Averaged out over the 10 years of trading, turnover was £130kpa. Averaged costs, before loans and overdraft repayments and me, were £90kpa. It cost over £24kpa in rent and rates alone. In the end, we had to sell the family home in order to appease the bank as it was clear to them that my business was worthless and as the long suffering business banking manager who had listened to all my optimistic bullshit over many years, put it "the haemorrage must be plugged". I got 10p for it in Sept 2002 and now the business has gone bankrupt. Good riddance to it all. What a nightmare. And a further twist to the sorry saga hit me last March when the place closed and I received unpaid rent demands from the landlord. It has taken me until now, all this time and a further £18k (loan in Maggies name which she is repaying over 5 years) to halt bankruptcy proceedings against me. Even now I've got to wait until the lease expires in 2011 until I'm totally off the hook. This is all to do with feudal commercial law involving business covenants. I still don't understand it even though it's a burning tyre round my neck.

The question is has writing all this down like this a confession to the world made feel any better or worse????

Anyone prepared to comment.......................................

MID-WEEK BLUES

I had to go bed early last night on account of the Anky Spon. Holby City was on which I hate so bed and Classic FM are better alternatives. I took 2 more diclo's and fell asleep quickly. The radio was still on at about 2am when I awoke with distinct bowel rumblings. It always happens about this time or about 4.30am. Why can't I be like a normal person. I always used to go after breakfast every other day or daily if i went on the beer. Now I'm constipated at 2am!! There must be another way!! I'm sure that the reason for this is the medication. I've tried different lubricants but they either don't work or I shit the bed!! Maggie complained of a blockage this morning. I just ignored her.

The back is easier today but I did not feel like going to the pool. I hate wrestling with socks on damp feet and doing my shoes up after the session. What I would really like is a pool in the garden - heated and covered, of course!! I wouldn't have to worry about any clothes then would I? The sun has actually shone this afternoon and I feel like doing a spot of exercise. Our hardwood garden table and chairs are out on the patio ready for summer BBQ's and could do with some wood treatment. I like Danish oil. Easy to put on and dries into a nice hard semi-gloss finish. One coat will last until next spring. I managed to the job without many serious twinges and swearing. Maggie went over to her parents to mow the lawn - good exercise for her. Then she came back and mowed ours.

Nothing else.........................

TROUBLESOME TUESDAY

Another arsey day, I'm afraid. Had to miss my weekly CAB advice session as the back was telling me not to venture outside. So, I was back in bed by 10am. I fished around my drugs drawer, which is full of old drugs as well as current ones and found some diclofenac - the slow release variety. After a couple of hours, the pain began to ease so I just laid on my back for another hour listening to classic FM. I think these drugs are more effective than the ones I took on Sunday.

The news made me smile. A couple of plonkers had seen the latest Star Wars movie and made themselves 2 light sticks with old fluorescent tubes and filled them with petrol. Anyway, they set themselves alight!! Can you believe it. Presumably, they stood under some high voltage power lines, as one does with fluorescent tubes to make them light but why did they put petrol in the buggers?? OR did they take a match to ignite them?? Unbelievable!! Now the state will have to look after them and I'm sure they are thinking who to sue - MGM perhaps. What a pair of total utter prize pillocks!!!

I am now trying to sort out what next to sell on eBay. I've got loads of old vinyl LP's that got back to the 1970's. I also have my old university notes, a very old bible that I think belonged to mother's mother before she was married, so it will be at least late 1800's. I could record CD's from the web but i don't know what the in music is these days. I got a load of used socks and boxers that someone might like? A good few hand -knitted sweaters that are so dated even I wouldn't be seen dead wearing them. But, the hours that went into knitting those would put you modern girls to shame!! If you have any ideas for me, I would love to hear from you. Thanks.

Another Wednesday tomorrow.........................

MOPEY MONDAY

Not a good start to the week. Not that I really care as nowhere to go on Mondays anyway. The Anky Spon doing its best again. Bad right hip and sore lower spine. I could feel it in bed during night. Fucking thing. I heard Maggie go out just past 9am off to the gym to do her bit. She's got to be fit to look after me!!! Spent the am with my hot wheat bag (on my back/hip), teapot, cigar and sudoku's. Yes, every paper now seems to have them of varying types, sizes and complexity. There is even on with both letters and numbers. I can't see where to start on this.

More plants arrived in the post - hopefully the last lot as they are becoming a pain. They are so small that they will takes ages to beef up into something that resemble a bedding plant. Still they are cheap and saves pissing about at B&Q's with all the plebs and shenanigans. I can't believe it. Maggie just walked in with more fucking plants - Lupins and other shitty things. Where are you put them?? I'll find a nice little home for them, she says. There are so many plants in our borders that even the weeds choke to death. Plenty of slugs so that'll kill them off - the plants that is.

A nice surprise in the post. I received a complimentary copy of the "Dalesman". This means bugger all to anyone who lives outside N. Yorks. It's one of those nasty A5 glossy mags published all over the country aimed at the blue rinse brigade and county types. I hate them and the mags. Anyway, I submitted an article to the Dalesman in March 2004 and it's in the June 2005 edition. My first publication!! I'm definitely self-employed again, now!! The article falls under the regular feature "My Best Day Out". So I wrote an experience based some nearly 4 years ago now while making plans to escape Folkestone, my failed business and Kent as a whole. The story of my failed business is a book entitled " How not to succeed at Self - Employment". I think I did everything that Sir Alan Sugar did except swear all the time.

Sun is out, so off to have a cuppa with my beloved..........

Just Sunday

I had to take an anti-inflammatory pill last night as since I stopped taking the Arcoxia on Friday, I am very achy and stiff. The effects of drugs wear off very quickly to my surprise. I would like to know if anything has happen to my BP? I am looking on eBay for cheap BP monitors!! You quickly start to get paranoid over issues like this which makes everything worse. I'm endeavouring to fight it and just deal with it each day I wake up. Actually, I did have a fairly good night inspite of the pains so the old drug (Ketoprofene) works quite well.

I went for a wobble around the estate with nothing dramatic happening - no mooning youths but lots of ducklings wobbling like me. Perhaps they think I'm a duck?? I'll have to stop while I tell you this as it happens. Have just seen a medium size bird of prey swoop down into the tree opposite my den window and grab a poor unsuspecting baby bird!!!! Great excitement. First time that I have ever witnessed such an event. Now I will have to get my book of birds out to determine what raptor it was. I wonder if I could train this wonderful bird to catch the neighbours cat???

BREAKING NEWS - I have a flashing icon!!! Tells me that I've sold my first on eBay!!! Praise the Lord. First income for 3 years. I'm self- employed all over again!!! Fuck the tax - man. I'm risen like a phoenix from the dead. £6.50 + £10.00 P&P for my old Matsui CD Player. I can't believe it. I'll have to rummage around the house and see if I can locate other old junk!!

Maggie and I sat with our coffees outside and watched the baby starlings being fed by their parents. It's a hilarious sight. Then 2 big old wood pigeons landed -1 right in the middle of the bird bath!! Then the other joined it and they started....... yes mating, well actually it was foreplay and then they flew off embarrassed by the audience no doubt.

Off for dinner, as Maggie is calling........................

GAY SATURDAY

I've got out of sequence with my logs - hope you are as confused as I am!!! I will endeavour to post each day!!

I forgot to buy the Times. I like doing the Sudoko puzzle. Does anyone else do this?? It takes me a long time to do the most difficult ones that are published on Thursday's and Friday's. Apparently Carol Vorderman can do these in 19 minutes - one clever lady. Her secret is to put all numbers that are left after the easy elimination process into the remaining squares. Where a number only appears once you put it in. Where 2 or more numbers remain, you use the puzzles logic and process of elimination to work out the rest. Easy Peasy. This is a typical demonstration of a female brain. There is no logic here - you just put all your options into a basket and by a process of elimination and luck come out on top!!!! Men, on the other hand, would apply rules and defined logic in order to evolve a pattern and sequence without having to write all the numbers in a square where only one has to go in. Have you ever tried to erase something from a newspaper!!!

Anyway, I wanted to buy a mag called Arena and ended with a copy of Attitude. I thought it was a bit strange to have a naked male on the front cover. Needless to say, I did not have my specs with me!! Sure enough, back home, when I removed the plastic bag, male gayness jumped out every page!!! If I had any doubts about my sexuality as I age, I certainly don't now!!! Mark you, the sort of feelings that I had as I turned the pages were much the same I used to get reading the odd copy of Mayfair and Penthouse. Sort of inner embarrassment and vunerability that our brothers and sisters would parade around with bits wobbling, dangling, bulging, dimpled, legs akimbo etc in order to make a crust. However, I do think that gay men have a slight problem over gay girls - their dicks have to go into something? I'll have to dispose the bloody mag somehow before Maggie finds it. Perhaps I could get my money back via eBay??

Maggie arrived late pm having driven her parents most of the way back from Keith (near Aberdeen).

TURGID THURSDAY

Today is BP check day and I'm dreading it. It's never where I hope it to be.
The reading was 150/100 which is too high and means I'm hypertensive again. I've had high BP for about 5 years now. For a while, loosing weight and getting into a local gym reduced it to about my normal which is 140/80. Then it rose again and I've been taking alpha and beta blockers for 2 years. Things had stabilised. I think the problem now is caused by 3 months of taking Arcoxia which is a new Cox2 inhibitor drug for inflammatory conditions like Anky Spon. I was told of the risks before I started. Anyone who has arthritis and been taking Vioxx and its generics will be aware of the furore surrounding the prompt withdrawal from the market last year because of the rise in cardiac cases and impending law suits. These bloody drug companies do not do sufficient long term research with a large enough sample. They are all money hungry,in a hurry and do a good rachet job on our lowly GP's. Its now the GP's having to bear the brunt of disgruntled patients or their relatives!! I fear that I will have stop taking them which will be a pity as they were helping me. I'll have to revert back to the gut busting Cox1's. I suppose it is better to suffer from a gastric bleed than a stroke or worse.

Had a sad p.m. after dropping my daughter off at the station to go back home. Maggie will be back in a couple of days so I'd better vacuum the carpets and switch on the dishwasher. I managed to complete the "fiendish" Sudoku in the Times which took me 2 hours. It fills in the time and is supposed to stave off senile dementure!!

I watched a free DVD, given away courtesy of the Mail, which is a good way to collect them or chuck them. It was called the Baker Boys about a couple of wannabe pianists in the States. Their tiresome act was jazzed up when they hired a slinky female singer with serious attitude. This went down well with one brother who also had serious attitude much to the annoyance of the other. No sex but plenty of "f's". Let me know if you want it. Not the sort of film you would see twice.

Til Friday.....................

FUNNY FRIDAY

Sorry - I totally forgot to post this til Sunday!!! Maggie is home (Sat. night) and I'm all a dither!!

Not in the hilarious sense. My daughter long departed Kent way means a good time to clear up before Maggie returns. Dead flowers replaced courtesy of TESCO. Lounge carpet Dysoned. Potted plants watered. Bogs cleaned and laundry put into the basket. Had to buy some milk and bread. Chucked out mouldy cheese to the birds and a few festering veges festering in the fridge. So all is ready.

Had to be on the go early for my usual bus ride to the Library in York for the family history course. No pervy vicars today just mainly old farts doing what old farts do - god knows. They've had all week and they choose a Friday to clutter up the buses and pavements. Much smiling during the course. We looked at census returns form the 1800's. Did you know that a Gay Girl has nothing to do with the obvious. It's a professions much like dress-making. In fact it is the way to describe an age old profession - brothel worker!! We should have more of them - maybe it'll stop teenage lads raping underage girls and dried up old grannies. Surely this would be better than what many think should happen - incarcerate and castrate!!

I email my GP and he reciprocates almost immediately!! I told him of the high BP and he asked if the readings were based on an electronic machine or the sphygmometer. I had to look up the latter and I email a affirmative. He tells me to book fortnightly tests to monitor readings and that Arcoxia has been struck off. Then to have a further review to work out best anti-inflammatory to go on. So that's it for now. Whilst at TESCO (I hate the bloody place), I enquired at their pharmacy about electronic blood pressure monitors. Very good and all doctors are now beginning to use them. More reliable, cheaper, quicker etc etc. So there you go. I'll my GP and tell him to get up to date!!

Watched another DVD last night with Brad Pitt in. Brilliant actor and such a character revealing face. It'll be back to the soaps tomorrow night.

Saturday is another day.....................

WISTFUL WEDNESDAY

More thinking going on today. I'm trying to re-focus on the results of the self appraisal of yesterday. A period of meditation, silence, reflection and inner re-configuration rather attracts me. Not to sure what Maggie will say, but I can hear her reaction. "you're becoming more like Prince Charles everyday". I like old Charlie. We are both the same age and talk to plants and birds. We have a lot in common. Maybe, I could ask him if he can arrange a good deal with the monks in Tibet. I don't want any self flagellation, though!!

"Respect" is the new moto for us all. Our Queen says it, Blair says it and so does George Galloway. 2 different Respects as far as I can see. Putting yobs into orange jump suits is being hotly debated. Put the parents in as well. I had to smile as Radio 4 did an interview on dealing with yobs, USA style. Some not so crazy sheriff in a very nice state says that his yobs are put into white boiler suits with black crosses all over. They also have to wear pink underwear!!! Supposedly, the buggers were nicking the new white underwear and selling it on. The wily old sheriff fixed them. " who wears pink underwear except old ladies and perverts" he says. So successful was his mission that the prison ended up with a surplus of the pink stuff and sold them world wide to supplement the income of the prison!!! How enterprising is that, I ask you. Our lot would never dream of such an outlandish idea. I like it. I'm sure that there must be a surplus of government issue underwear stacked high in warehouses all over Britain crying out to worn!!!

I'll have to go onto eBay and see if I can buy some!!! Talking of which my poor old CD player has had zero interest with only 3 days to go. I'm also trying to buy a brand new office chair with generous lumbar support (for the AS, should you wonder) for 99p!! They all end up being sold for at least £35 each plus £12 postage. I thought eBay was for bargain hunters - maybe there's a seed of a business opportunity developing - anyone want some pink underwear with impeccable credentials!!

Tomorrow is the last day to be spent with my daughter so must make the most of it.

Til later........................

THOUGHTFUL TUESDAY

Today, I did a spot of revealing my feelings and "where do I go from here" to my daughter. Dad's should do this from time to time. Grown - up kids can throw a view on this dilemma. We should listen, as parents, as we could learn something. After all, we did mould them from day 1. Even at 27, they must have something to contribute. It's good to listen as well as talk. They can see things in a different perspective, especially if you have reached a turning point in your life as I have clearly reached. With 25 years of employment and another 10 years as my own boss living with a debilitating illness as mine, who wouldn't reach a crossroads at some time? Suffice it to say, I do need to think very clearly what I want out of my remaining years. I need to undertake a serious self-analysis of my situation and write a list!!! Focus on what is important to me and dismiss the dross. Look at my inner self, get rid of the demons and find a new achievable and happy vision. Importantly, do not look back and do not ask the "what ifs". This is the result of our chemistry together. I will search "google" tomorrow and see if I can join a monastery for help in my revelations!! Will give you an update soon.

Our evening together was spent visiting the local cinema (1st for me for years) to see " The Interpreter" starring Nicole Kidman, with a very dodgy South African accent and Sean Bean. All about a lookalike Zimbabwe with its despotic dictator brought before the UN and sentenced to a war tribunal for genocide. I liked it and could relate to the story having spent time living and working in Central Africa. This followed by a few lagers and nosh at Frankie & Bennies.

Good Day.........................

MAGNIFICENT MONDAY

I was totally distracted yesterday by the arrival of my daughter!!
My excuse for a late Monday. We just did things and had intelligent conversation over wine and lasagne!! It was 10pm before I retired.
This is late for me. Normally, it's 9pm. I get tired very quickly. I'm sure the Anky Spon takes it out of me. Just moving around is calorie busting. Also, the effects of my medication begin to wear off early evening and I get more achy and stiff. So, lying down is more comfortable.

I have a very hard bed which is wide and long. I heat up my wheat bag in the microwave. I've got a small one in my room just for this. Sometimes I take a diazepam to help to relax muscle spasms in my legs and sleep. I try not to take this drug too often. Drugs are a minefield and I will illustrate my experiences some other time.

I did get angry yesterday when I heard distressed bird noises coming from the garden. It was next door's bloody cat with a poor defenceless baby starling in it's mouth. I did manage to distract the cat by nearly breaking the window and screaming like a banshee at it and it buggered off. Fortunately the bird was ok. He thanked me and flew off. I know you cat lovers will say that it is nature.
But, the cat is not mine and it should not be in my garden!!! I love birds more than cats. Why should these cats get away with killing 10m birds every year on our island?? So I am cat watch now - beware!!

I've got my first paid job since forced retirement from my own business (another story). A total of £15.00 for doing a postal survey for a German company who have been employed by the Royal Mail. This survey lasts 6 months and involves me receiving and posting letters each week. They pay me through PayPal which I've already set up for my eBay activities. Very clever. I may even make new pen-pals if I can be bothered to write to anyone that I like the sound of their name or should I just select a exciting sounding country like Japan??

Til later..............................

SUNNY SUNDAY

It has been sunny today and warm. Actually did some sunning in the garden, for the first time in 2005 - in my famous old school gym shorts (kept up, today!!)

Maggie has left me. Just for a week while she goes with her parents to her Dad's Scottish haunts. She is going to help with the driving. It'll give her a break from me.
My daughter is to visit tomorrow for a few days. So we can do a bit of bonding!!

The Sunday papers are as boring as ever. World debt relief and poverty figure large.
The demise of the Conservative Party continues afoot. This only means yet more legislation and targets from Blair. He's going to put disrespectful yobs in orange uniforms. Is this for life?? What about the dysfunctional parents. Should they be put into orange uniforms. I can see the European Court have a field day with this one.
The take-over of Manchester United FC by some rich yank is causing mayhem with the fans. They are only soccer fans after all, not business entrepreneurs.

The rest of my day has been devoted to FF (Fiddling & Farting). Repotted overdue house plants. Filled up the bird feeders. Watered the pots on the patio and conversed with my next door neighbour. Nice girl with young growing family. I am really trying to show genuine interest but spending £2.00 per day on ice cream for her 2 kids somewhat turns me off. I just have to learn not to show it.

Pork casserole with dumplings for dinner...........

SMUG SATURDAY

I feel quite smug today. Why??

Had 2 anons give me responses to last nights log. Good that I'm becoming known and getting fans.

I have ventured further into the realms of the internet by installing Broad Band on my PC at home. I've pondered about this move for some time. The extra cost (I am on state benefits) and increasing delays in things not happening on the screen. EBay was taking an age to reply. Dial-up meant that I had to sign off by 6pm:thus my evenings were led by soaps on TV. Now I can ignore TV and Maggie with a plausible excuse.

It is a long time since I mated. This pm, I witnessed the act being performed by 2 house sparrows on the roof. My brain worked out that if 1 bird is on top of another, something's up? Yes, the pretty one (male) must have a cock?
(I suppose that male house sparrows do possess such a weapon. I'll have to ask Bill Oddie). The sight was wonderful. The male really enjoyed himself and his mate was chuffed as well. Orgasmic flapping of wings, 2 loving pecks on the head and it's all over in a jiff. Bit like humans really, but without the cigarette.

I am sure that I was "mooned" (bare-arsed) this p.m. while I was having my daily limp around the estate. Even with a walking stick,I have to look at the ground to make sure that I miss dog shit and uneven pavements. Also,I have to concentrate hard ensuring that my feet don't interlock behind each other, or else I lick the tarmac!! This car was in a queue waiting to pass a stationary bus. I usually watch the buses to see if there's going to be a head-on crash. Place is full of maniac drivers. Then, I caught a flash of flesh. I had to look as one does. Sure enough, I saw the cleavage and it was vertical. Even I can recognize the difference between tit and arse. It was hairy. So I just blew a kiss at it. Up went the boxers with obvious embarrassment!!

The car moved off and away. Isn't this disgraceful? I am just a poor old lame and helpless old git. That's why he did it. To ridicule me. No respect for my disability. Bastard!! Probably pissed. Kid's just should not behave like this. What's makes them do it? No fear of recrimination or humiliation??

That fear was bought home to me whilst attending school in Hereford in the 60's. A spot of corporal punishment fixed me for life!! The Head was an expert caner. "Educated Evans with his Educator". He always did his beatings after gym. You never knew when it was coming or how many you would get. Normally, 2 or 3 boys who had committed an offence would be summoned to his "cupboard" by Evans So not only did I get it, the others saw me get it and I saw them get it. Shorts down as well!! Total humiliation and pain together. This was then compounded with the communal showers with the rest of the class afterwards.

Today, teachers have only got to look at a kid the wrong way and all hell is let loose.


The good old days......

FUCK OFF - IT'S FRIDAY

Well - I've done it. Used the "F" word.
Can't remember the exact pneumonic for the last working day of the week because it's 15 years ago since I worked for a boss. Some chaps at work actually wore their Friday ties with it on, singing "bottle of wine, fruit of the vine" or some such shit as that. I always thought it abit immature.

Anyway, I'll make love to the gin bottle tonight as I do most nights. Maggie normally abstains from both these days!! She's out there now mowing the lawn having just mown her aged parents' lawn. She has the capacity for hard physical work that would put many males to shame. I just let her get on with it and say "doesn't the garden look nice"!!

Tony Blair ( I like B Liar best) has said that he is going to re-introduce courtesy and manners back into the populous. Where have they gone?? I've not missed them. Has anyone else? Perhaps they were illegals and have been deported and now he wants to be more conciliatory rather than presidential. Is he referring to our future pension payers and NHS customers who puke our pavements, rape old ladies and knife each other to death. Some of them get fertilised and sprout more to claim benefits. I want to know where the basic human instinct of morality has gone. Could it be a gene deficiency or a virus. The Americans will find a cure, rest assured.

The AS has been more tolerant today. Have been into York on the No 1 bus. I like buses. The vicar sitting on his own with his eyes focused on the stairs while skirt ascends. The old people who complain because I'm sitting in the seat reserved for the lame and spastic. I need 2 seats because I can't get me knees behind the seat rears. More tut - tutting. The youngsters with their mobiles and attitudes and finally, the mum's with push-chair and sprog(s). The latter invariably screaming, dummy in, sweets and toys in hands. Mum doing her best to silence the brat using carefully selected words.No abuse. I think, my god poor kid what chance does it stand of turning out to be normal. Who cares - no-one except B Liar who is going to legislate.

May the sun shine on you...........

TROUBLESOME THURSDAY

My Anky Spon is being arsey today. Don't know if it's the swimming or what.
The new drugs called Arcoxia are actually an improvement on the Diclofenac. Am less stiff in the mornings and have more mobility in the pool. Perhaps that's why I hurt more as I'm doing more. Somehow, I doubt it.

Fixed the dining room chair with some nifty allen key work, but the legs don't fit properly. Everything seems to be the same today - shoddy work, thrown together either by machine or in sweat-shops overseas. Nothing's made in the UK of any repute. Now the government is moaning about the 48hr week directive that's been vetoed by the Europeans. Too bloody right. Who in god's name wants to work more than 48 hours except the self-employed. If people who are lucky enough to work actually worked efficiently and effectively then we should be working 30 hours a week and producing at least the same or even more.

The screaming kids next door have just ventured into their garden where they bounce their little arses off while looking over my fence. Why the hell didn't we make it higher when we replaced 2 years ago? Now I'll have to put sunscreen on while I sunbathe or they'll be complaining about that nutter next door exposing himself. Why can't you do what you want to anymore? My garden, not theirs.

I've had to relist my old CD player on eBay as it did not sell. I spent ages doing a fantastic job of advertising it. I had 37 nosy parkers. Well folks, it's back on for a giveaway price. Go on - have a look at 7515490274.

I just need to thank a couple of anons who have taken time out their busy schedules to congratulate me on my worthy blog. I feel really good now. No - they were not me sending them to me - too bloody obvious!!

2morrow is "FOIF" or is it "TFIF" - til then.........

WONDERFUL WEDNESDAY

I used to call Wednesday's wonderful as they are 1/2 way through the working week. As they were when I worked for an employer. Running your own business, there's no such thing. You go on and on and on. Being out of work, as I am, each day is the same; even Saturdays and Sundays don't bring any relief to the sameness.

But, today is my pool day. Hydrotherapy is what it is. Held at the local disabled swimming club where they have all the staff and all the aids to stop you from drowning!! I'm the youngest there. The men seem to be more disabled than the women. Perhaps legless men became so fighting the 2nd world war. One old geezer lost half a leg from MRSA, whilst in hospital for a hernia operation. I take some comfort in the fact that many are worse off than me. But, I still think that I'm too young to be so infirm. Exercises in the pool are good. They stop me from getting any worse any quicker. Also, I can't fall over and break a leg like you can in the gym. The worse part of getting wet is dressing afterwards. Apart from the sight of absent limbs, wrinkled buttocks and shriveled members, getting socks on is a bugger.

I had 2 boiled eggs for lunch with a marmite roll. This was followed by 2 kiwi fruit which I eat complete with the skins left on. I must keep my fibre levels up to aid the free passage within the waste disposal system. Eating 2 eggs has to be countered with an opposite or else drastic measures have to be employed.
If any of you take pain-killers and anti-inflammatory drugs will know what I'm wittering on about. If you are drug free, then thank your spiritual leader.
I find it a constant battle thinking about all of this as well as dealing with the disease. Perhaps, it's called LIVING (the crap way).

Well, it passes the time!!

More ramblings tomorrow....................

TODAY'S TUESDAY

Today is the day that I do a spot of advice giving. It's all FREE.

The Citizen's Advice Bureau in York offer an excellent training scheme and I've been working at becoming a fully fledged generalist adviser for about 3 years now. If I ignore the bureaucracy, it's a good system.

Yes - I'm not a fast learner, but I'm thorough. It's what I'm good at - using my life's experiences to help others. And, my god, there are a lot of folk out there who need help. I count myself lucky, inspite of my ills.

I come away from a 3 hour session feeling good because I've actually achieved something useful rather than bemoaning my ills.

It's a problem that many of us aged sick cases face. No regular employer wants us - it's not discrimatory to say that; it's bloody common sense.
I wouldn't employ me except on a ad hoc basis because I'm not reliable nor consistent. I'm a risk to myself as well as to others. Some days I feel like living. Others, death would be sweet relief. God knows how Maggie puts up with it. That is more than LOVE, it's a bloody miracle!!!
If you have a chronic illness like mine, there's two tunnels -

• Death or
  

• A frustrating, aggravating, annoying pain in the arse existence

Both have their +'s and -'s. At the end of the day, you have no choice but to "brin & gare" it. Enough of this morbidity.

I thought I would have a look a "chat room" site on the web. First for me. I would rather learn Russian!! I signed into something with a captain and his ship with an "on board". About 120 different topics on the go and all this babble babble of total indistinguishable crap. Russian must be easier to learn and a darn sight more useful! All I want is intelligent conversation to delay senility and decrepitude not a load of smiley faces and coded slang which only the under 30's would understand. What on earth were 150 under 30's doing at 3pm anyway - certainly not working according to my rules. No wonder the country is close to anarchy.

More tomorrow............

MONDAY AGAIN

Time for some serious blog work.
Had a nice boozy dinner with Maggie and her aged parents last night. Consequently, woke up later than normal today. What the heck. No work. No hospital appointments. Maggie left for work at 06.45. Had an early bowel movement, which is always a good start to any day.
I am now into my 3rd year of early retirement. Forced by a failing business and poor health. I had major spinal surgery when I was 27 and have suffered from Ankylosing Spondylitis for years now, but have always managed to cope ok. I've always coped. Working for myself nearly finished me off - physically, mentally and cash-wise. But, going into business WAS my decision.
At the age of 57, I do think that I'm too young to give up. I have never given up, but I was a poor employee. Do I need to be punished for ever??
Every day, I wake up thinking that I must get a job. I need a routine. I yearn for mental stimulation and mature conversation. I want to do what I did before bloody self-employment. I managed situations, people, time and money budgets. I earned good money. I had status and self respect. All gone now.
Now - sat at home, on state benefits, with no money and no prospects. Poor old Maggie having to go out to work to earn to pay the bills. I just can't get this out of my head. I'm going mad with this continual agonising.
What can I do??
If anyone out there can offer a solution, I'd love to hear from you.

Words from My Hut

Well, I have spent a lot of time fiddling around with my blogability today. Mark you, my day did not start until 13.30 GMT + 1.
Not yet worked out how to get a picture on it. Not sure about pictures really as they can be misleading. It’s better than having “?” in the allotted space, isn’t it?? I saw one photo on this blogsite of a teddy bear purporting to be the image of the person. I do think some of us are found a wee bit wanting at times, don’t you??
Some nice guy called Ian has left me words of encouragement. He was obviously short on time or just nervous to say too much. I will respond with equal politeness and who knows what could develop?
Perhaps this is what blogging is all about. I don’t have anything to sell except words. People tell me that I’m good at words and spouting forth and fifth. I’m far too modest to know. All I can say is that I’ve never heard so much crap talked since I moved to Yorkshire. The goodly folk here have never learnt the art of tact and diplomacy – you just got to see Johnny Prescott to appreciate what I’m saying. Americans will not have a clue what I’m going on about, will you?
Will have to leave it there as my dial-up time is up and goes into 1p/min, which is outside my budget. Will have to investigate broadband or is it broadbeans?

My First Blog - May 6th 2005 Friday

I am not sure what I'm doing. Have got past the stage of reading instructions as I am easily confused and have developed poor memory retention. As Maggie says that I don't listen, these are extra excuses for playing dumb.
My first attempt at blogging has a good chance of falling on deaf ears and eyes but if someone does chance upon it, I would love to know what you think even if it is all utter bollocks. I'm not easily offended these days. In any case, if you are moronic enough to tell the world what's going on in your life - what do you expect.
Even Tony Blair has a dark side which I'm sure he would rather not reveal? We now all know that he is a liar!!!!!
Have run out of steam for now and I need a gin & tonic to celebrate the end of the General Election campaign and the resumation of normality of the BBC's Radio 4.
See you tomorrow.