Venerable Journal

Dear Reader - 12 May 2006

2006-05-12T20:28:00.000+01:00

Birds Nesting

We have a Leylandii hedge at the back of our small urban lawn. This hedge partly masks the horrendous red brick wall of next door. The hedge provides entertainment, unlike the wall and the folk behind it!
The black cat stalks this hedge as well as other more unpleasant looking cats. Rear end spraying is what they all do along with instinctive ‘birding’. If I see them, I scream and bang the window like a banshee. I love it most when these ‘toms’ get a blast of water from the garden hose!
A pair of Blackbirds has decided to nest in this hedge. Nervously, the mother is building while the male stands guard ready to eyeball approaching feline danger. I find this behaviour fascinating.
Also, there are Chaffinches sitting on their nest in the silver birch in the front patch. The House Martins have returned to find last years home, now rather battered, under the overhang. They are happy to be back from their long journey from West Africa without satnav!!
Swifts are screeching overhead and the first wasp had to be let outside from the kitchen window. This must a record??
The house is slowly becoming a sactuary to dying bees.
Does anyone know why?

The Armstrong’s and Ab Initio

Coventry’s third largest double glazing company is greatly missed following Sir Alan on Wednesday’s TV. I miss Bill Nighy's monotone. Anne looks likes Cherie Blair and John is a clever plonker. But, if their database is such to merit its operation using Ab Initio software, this does confirm a very smart move by John Armstrong.
My reasons for this profound edict are because my prospective Son-in-Law works for the UK licence holder of this software; Emunio based in Henley. Just a bit of informed trivia really.

Politics ad nuseum

I started writing this blog some two weeks ago and every time I get into the subject material, it becomes superseded overnight.
From now on, I will resist blogging about the antics of specific individuals and restrict myself to the overall scenario. Forget the Prescotts' and Clarkes' of this inept government, I'll now liken this subject to a landscape rather that a portrait painting.

The main gripe has got to be the issues surrounding human rights and political correctness of the dysfunctional minority. How is it that child molesters, rapists, hi-jackers, convicted immigrants, Muslim extremists that have become ‘radicalised’, animal rights protestors and terrorists seem to have impunity from prosecution, deportation and subject to technicalities within our legal system found in their favour? Have the unelected Law Lords lost all common sense? I would like to have a rational and plausible explanation, please Mr A Blair PM.
I now hear that he has castigated the Law lords over the deportation of those plane hi-jackers. At last, just a shred of redemption from the man.

Bradford Riots

The worst racial unrest that resulted in the greatest collective prison sentences being granted since the end of WW2. This, the appalling testament that Bradford should be ashamed of, happened in July 2001. The recent C4 film portrayed everything in graphic detail. I was moved to tears at the end by the very disturbing scene showing an Asian culprit in prison about to be put onto suicide watch.
I can’t help but feel, as wrong as it all was, that the Asian community in Manningham were the victims of police intimidation and obvious racial hatred. I believe this was the point of the film.

I wonder today, if the police and the immigration services have actually learnt anything of past lessons in dealing with our coloured bretheren? This discussion will continue.

Baby Boomers

I’m one and now in my prime. I can say this with pride having read about the new 40 starting at my current 58 years. It’s all in the mind. And, if you don’t use that, you will lose it. The fact that I hobble along and suffer from spasticity has got fuck all to do with it. My mind is what I'm most concerned about right now. Sudoku's are not enough for. Anyway, I gone off Carol Voderpants due to her appearing in adverts for unsecured credit loans that is driving us mortals into a nation of bankrupts.

The Japanese male spends more unpaid overtime working that any other employee, except the self-employed. According to the latest stats, the Japs are in the office longer than they are in their homes. As this particular race of ‘baby boomers’ comes up for retirement, the wives have the answer to being forced to tolerate these strange bedfellows at home. ‘It’s now our turn to go out more!’

God knows what’ll happen when my Maggie gives up her work.

My Favourite Ditty

‘Scotland Yard are looking for a small man with one eye’
I would think that if he so small, you’ll need two eyes.

Sir Alan Sugar and his Apprentice

The most belligerent man, the rudest man, the ‘don’t piss my money up the wall’ man and yet he does have a certain appeal.

The two girls hero worship him – not for his body (can’t imagine what he’s like between the silk sheets) but for his shear gall.
Michelle is the better of the two finalists and Sir Alan clearly loves her. We saw his hard eyes actually glisten when he said that he liked her answer to why she should be the apprentice .

Isn’t the whole programme utter bollocks, really – just an unsubtle marketing gimmick for Sir Alan’s less than successful array of shit companies which would only suit one little Jew boy from the East end.

My favourite Word

Pusillanimous

All for now

Dear Reader - 27 April 2006

2006-04-27T11:15:00.000+01:00

Civil Liberties

Tony Blair is going to make us civil and give us liberty. Or so he says. We have never lived in such a free society that makes us both uncivil and yet restrained. Uncivil because you can be rude to anyone and get away with it and restrained because of political correctness and human rights. This government has gone out of its way to give minority groups all the freedom they want where the extreme among them become human bombs. And they do this in the name of some spurious religious belief. People, many aeons ago, who felt threatened by his religious beliefs, crucified JC. What do we do in our modern world about such extremists - fuck all.

Now TB is fed up with this approach. He going to incur the wrath of the human rights brigade and start to impose punitive sanctions on such extremists. If he can catch them, bloody good show. But, for those that are caught, I would proffer that at least twice as many are lurking undetected, as they don't exist.

Child Protection

At last Scotland Yard have put in place a new detection service based on modern technologies. They are going to employ policeman with a proficiency for this, to sit at computers pretending to be paedophiles. I would do this job for £50k pa at my home PC. Perhaps I will apply. Mark you, if they catch these sadistic bastards, the justice system weighs in their favour. The convicted ones are let out to re-offend as we all saw recently. This is where I would love to be a Muslim. I think they would drive a six-inch nail into the top of the skull of the cunt after his bollocks were fed to the dogs following 1000 lashes.

Did see Sharpe's Revenge on TV the other night with Sean Bean. He's brill and I love him to bits. The final sword fight with that fucking Indian Prince had me off my seat willing to kill the bastard. I just love the way ole Sean twisted his blade in the princes chest with that resounding bone shattering crunch. Most satisfying!!

Voluntary Work

I heard this week about an incident that has happened at a voluntary organisation that I used to work for. Recently the manager was told to clear his desk. We were not told anything and the gossip started. The official line was that Richard was no longer employed and has moved elsewhere. Why are bosses so scared of telling the truth?? Two weeks ago, this departed manger's name was in our local rag under 'Court Circular'. He was found guilty for misappropriation of monies from a local charity (unnamed) and given 30 hours community service. His crime, I have later found out was fiddling his expenses. Well hands up those people who have never done this?

Mortgages

Did you know all you people lucky enough to have a mortgage that you are being ripped off? If you borrow £1000 at 10% interest, over ten years you will owe £2000! It is all to do with compound interest. This is interest only, BTW. Rates currently are about 5.2%. If you opt for a repayment scheme then true cost is about 20% less.

You newbies going for a first box at an average cost of £150k with a 10% deposit that you have cobbled together on credit cards and doting loved ones, will probably go for a 30 year term on a £145k mortgage including all the outrageous fees. This monthly sum is £800 pm with a true cost of about £288,000 over term at 5.25% repayment.

This all makes you want to be corrupt doesn't it and plan a bullion raid on a Securicor Depot!!. Avoid Kent for now.

New Man Mike

As I reported last time, I'm getting ready to hang my walking stick. I have some way to go yet. I can't walk in a straight line. I tend wobble and fall over without my aid. I'm working on the quads, adductors, abductors, hamstrings, calves and ankles. I'm stretching the gluts, back muscles, lower spine and abs. I'm doing deep breathing and attempting cross-legged poses with bent legs trying to reach tera-firma. Like a wizened old Hindu Yogin.All with much farting and grunting. Was that sweat or have I pissed my self again!! Oh yes, I have a fucking long way to go. Belly is sagging, arse is wrinkled, muscles have vanished and my press-ups are pitiful. Oh bloody hell, I need a miracle. But I will succeed as long as I don't get a hernia or cardiac arrest or both. I am determined to keep vertical for as long as I can. The wheelchair can gather dust in the garage until I'm ready.

How do I go about losing that grey?

BFN

EASTER 2006

2006-04-18T15:25:00.000+01:00

Antics next door

You know that the kids are on holiday. General noise and hubbub is somewhat louder than usual. We live next to two youngsters. The lad, aged 10, is a avid soccer player. He has all the branded gear. His mates used to visit and balls flew everywhere. Now the games are different.

His Dad has banned balls in the garden, thank god. That was last year. This year, it's pro. American wrestling with all the grunts, groans and counts. Three boys wrestle each other on top of the trampoline and slam dunk their mascot teddy bar. That's what the parents like to think that's all they do. I see the fuller picture. Yesterday was a most amusing incident of early male bonding. The three boys had thrown out teddy and each had hold of various limbs, with faces in bottoms, screaming, grunting and loud counting. At one point, the bigger boy was unceremoniously told to sit in the middle of the trampoline while the other two were lining up for a slam dunk!! They spotted me and stopped. I just smiled.

Jack's Visit

My six year old grandson, Jack, has just left after staying for a week. I'm exhausted but exhilarated. It doesn't help being lame with a knackered spine and spastic legs. We went places and did things. We ate our greens, pasta and fish but not our fruit!! 'Yuk- that's disgusting. Mummy never gives me that'! We did key stage 2 english and maths. We prepared a scrap book and did fun things on my PC. We made Easter and thank you cards for the family. We made a star chart for all the good foods eaten for which a reward of 10 stars meant a treat!! This worked well.We never stopped talking for 12 hours each and every day. We went to the library and read books and watched 'Spongebob'. Oh what fun. Now I'm knackered and life is back to our normal daily routine with our ears ringing! If you can have youngsters around when you are 60 you will not die of old age or boredom!!
This experience has fired me up and I'm thinking about doing a spot of voluntary work in our local primary school as a reading listener. I'm convinced that many kids do not get sufficient quality one to one time spent with them. This is because parents are too busy being busy, working and shopping that kids can be overlooked. I'm sure that Jack would benefit from more 'Jack time' as he is a bright kid with a yearning to learn, do everything and feel good. He wants to be a winner.

Dilemma

Maggie's folks are aging more rapidly now. Our son has a dodgy job with five mouths to feed and rent to pay. I'm a worry because I'm the disabled man in her life. Her place of work is getting more tricky to live with. So how best to balance all this lot is proving very draining on Maggie. I need to accept the slow demise of her folks and be as supportive as possible. This is now my role in life. Our son will get a break and their life will improve as he is more focused now after 3 job losses in 6 months. I'm determined to get on top of my health problems and become more stable. All these issues are significant to Maggie but I've learnt over the 34 years of marriage that less talk is best and deeds done are brilliant. I must admit that the state of her parents do make feel like the inevitable will happen and creates a nervous belly ache akin to that awful sinking gut feeling you get when you are scared and frightened. My Mum and Dad were 'fortunate' in the way they died in that they did not suffer loss of dignity. A reality all families have to face. The unexpected is devastating. The expected is no better.

Me, Diet and Health.

Since I saw a nutritionist in March and changed my whole diet, I feel tons better. I want to do more. I stay up until midnight. I want to exercise. I want to have sex again after many years of abstinence. I'm throwing out old boxers and 38 inch jeans. I've lost one stone. I'm Ebaying for replacement jeans, pants and shoes. I want to walk again without my fucking stick as I used to do 10 years ago. I've stopped my main painkiller but still need the anti-inflammatory and blood pressure pills. My legs are twitching and my bowels are working twice a day after being a twice a week man with constipation and piles. But I'm cautious. Just because I feel good now does not mean I'm out of the woods as next week things could be very different. I have learnt that.
But I'm going to see my GP to discuss my gait and appalling feet. I'm going to see if I can come off the BP medicine and tell him about my erectile dysfunction.
My new diet regimen following the visit to IoN qualified nutritionist is going well. I've stopped consuming diary, red meat, yeast products including bread, biscuits and snacks and a little G & T occasionally. I also eat less quantity with three mains and two snacks. The latter is difficult as choice is limiting. I like Nairns Oatcakes with humus. I eat loads of green salad leaves with minimum protein. I drink more water, fruit, nuts,grains, seeds, pulses etc. And I twit like an parrot!! Both Maggie & I following the Patrick Holford regime with Ian Maber thrown in as his recipes are simple to do. I have a range of supplements (costly) to help repair my gut and bowel after 30 years of swallowing prescription drugs. It is the inherent problems with these,that after many NHS insertions into ALL my orifices failed to fix, that were causing loss of appetite, smell & taste and more basically blocked bowels, farting loudly and nausea after food.
Today, things are vastly different. Not that I'm cured yet. Bowels are tricky although going from twice weekly to once or twice daily is a shock to my system albeit pleasant!! My gut powder is making me very alert and stops me from going to bed at 9pm and raising at 9am!! That must be an improvement. My taste and smell are returning. I feel like exercising and becoming more useful.

All for now - Mike

Alive and Kicking - Tuesday 28th March 2006

2006-03-28T20:29:00.000+01:00

I have been an inactive blogger recently. I wish to continue with my journal writing and I've decided to do this via a blog rather than via a pen and note-book.

It is many months since I last did a posting and I couldn't remember how to log in. With the aid of blogspot help and being semi-literate in PC speak, I find myself writing again for all to read. I feel ready for the challenges that blog writing will give me and to write an entry fairly regularly but not daily.

Why do I feel up to it now and not previously?

A lot has gone on in my life since I last wrote a blog. I have not stopped writing at all except when I was prostrate in agony for most of Febuary 2006 with a flare of my Ankylosing Spondylitis. In summary, this are the major events that have happened over the last few months:-

Birth of 2nd grandson (actually that was 12 months ago)
Started and stopped Advising at York Citizens Advice Bureau (too stressful)
Admitted and seeked help to treat my Clinical Depression (wise but bold move)
Attended numerous clinics at York District Hospital (ongoing story of my life)
My son has been made redundant twice (now in new job)
My daughter's boyfriend also made redundant (now in new job)
My wife's 60th (now happy, armed with a senior railcard)
I completed a Creative Writing course and shone at free verse writing
Investigated my dietary needs in relation to my medical conditions (interesting)
Had our blocked drain repaired at high cost to the Insurers
Took delivery of a home Composter to help with Recycling of rubbish
My brother got divorced after 32 years of unhappy marriage
My old business premises in Folkestone re-let after 12 months empty
Took out ISA's for my wife & me
Had acupunture for the 1st time

I'm sure this list is not complete but suffice it to say that a lot has happened but the most significant is starting my course of Cognitive Behavioral Therapy in the Cancer Care Unit at York District Hospital in August 2005. More on this in later blogs, but I've nearly finished and this blog is testament to my overall improvement.

It's now past midnight which is the latest that I've sat at my PC for many a long month.

Mike

I'M STILL HERE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

2005-07-03T16:47:00.000+01:00

I am having another bad time.

For over a week, I've been tired, off food, off colour and just plain arsey. It must be the rogue white blood cells playing up again. I've come to this conclusion now as I'm back on the original BP medication dosage and not as woozy as before. I have managed to bring forward the bone marrow test after two constructive phone calls to the Heamatologist's secretary. I could detect much sympathy in her voice. Perhaps she knows something that I don't. Anyway, I shall know by the end of July if I have a malignant lurgy or not.

I have lost my desire to follow Wimbledon. The game, although technically proficient, has lost its "you can't be serious" moments. Even the girls have resorted to wearing shorts under their skirts - no more "frillies". The umpires seem to be representative of the PC European Union (or Dis-Union, as I see it) and the good ole English speak is now a past memory. Even the retired stars of yesteryear now grace the commentary microphone with incessant dribble, harping on about "their day" in that god-forsaken Yankee twang. Why don't they just hang up their whites and stay at home??

G8 and Gandolf absorb all the news and TV. How much more can we all take?? I just wish we would put the same effort into our glorious planet's preservation. Keeping an extra 50k people alive each day will only add to the demise of our resources. If there is a supreme force overseeing our fates, "it" needs to step up human destruction to halt the decimation of the planet. Otherwise, what's the point of it all? In any case, the cast of the G8 is deficient of the very star that the play is all about, isn't it?? What a perfect moment to bill Magabe - ok, you'll have to re-title the show " G9".

I'm wrestling with my conscience again. Three years on from the failed business and a near miss bankruptcy, I am still unable to come with terms with my fate. I seem to fill in my time doing fuck all. I can sit in the garden for 2 hours just staring at whatever I choose to stare at. I fiddle & fart around. A bit of Su Doku here, crossword there, model making, ebaying, blogging, moaning an awlful lot about my sickly health, an inordinate amount of time spent with doctors and consultants, so on and so forth. Nothing useful, nothing worthwhile, nothing constructive. No more no intelligent speak, no human mixing and camaraderie, no decision making, no responsibility or accountability - just plain boring time wasting. And, no money for indulgences. It's just not happening in the way that I had it in my mind nor planned for a so-called retired existence.
Can anyone recommend a good COUNSELLOR???

B Liar is schmoozing again; this time the Olympic Committee meeting for the final time to announce their decision. In Singapore, of all places. I wonder if Sir Alan ("you're fired") would employ Blair?? I like Sir Alan, alot.

Later.......................................

MONDAY ALL DAY

2005-06-27T18:36:00.000+01:00

2 new facts for today:-

- the BBC is now pronouncing the new millenium years as "twentyohfour" rather than the familiar "twothousandandfour". This underscores further alignment to our Yankee buddies and undoubted B Liar influence on the BEEB to get us more matey
matey sounding with B Ush thus enhancing his (B. Liar) rise to the President of a Disunited Europe.

- if you want to be burnt in Somerset, a local crem has just blown up, so please book elsewhere or do it yourself. I don't think we can attribute the destruction of a lowly crem to Osama although the projection of charred body parts towards the heavens would no doubt appeal to his lack of sense of dignity. Personally, I find this story slightly amusing. Yes, I'm sick.

I have been really "peelywally" again for the last few days and I'm sick of it all, really really sick of it. Something has got to be done.
I spent most of Sat and Sun in bed feeling as if I'd taken cannibis or the like. It must be the BP medication. I can't see what else is causing me to feel like shit for so long. Also, I can't taste or smell things like I used to. Having given up the Cuban cigars weeks ago, I don't believe that these can be the cause of loss of sensation
now. I have always suspected the Losartan. The double doze must be making me worse as I've not changed anything else. Last night, I did not take it and neither have I taken it today and I am beginning to feel a bit better or else I would not be sat here typing this shit on my blog.

The BP monitor that I ordered and Maggie paid for, has arrived. This is her birthday present to me. St John's Day was the day in question. I intend to take readings weekly and plot a graph. Then I will be able to make some informed choices as to the true state of my ticker. Doubtless, my GP won't agree with that sentiment. Interestingly, the MOL (Maggie's Mum) has high BP and her GP can't get it under control either, but then if you drink a pint of Sainsbury's sherry per day, what do you expect to happen!! Also, she is in her 80's.

Am waiting for the G8 charade as is the whole of Africa - waiting that is, as it is this they do best, just waiting for something to happen, waiting for someone to tell them something, waiting for the rains, waiting for a chicken to walk by, waiting for a bus, waiting for the next funeral, waiting for payday or hand-out, just waiting, waiting, waiting, waiting. Why on earth do we want to change all that??? This is their culture, their life, what they do best,- it's all them. I know we give more in subsidies to the Highland cow than we give in African aid. But we need the cow to eat for god's sake!!! The African can cook chicken shit and survive- we can't.

Many Geldofs to you all..............................

MEALWORM DAY

2005-06-23T18:23:00.000+01:00

Feed the Birds - says Bill. So I have, with 1 box of meal worms via eBay!!!

My new BP drug (Losartan) sent me to sleep yesterday. In fact, I came all overcome (Maggie calls peelly wolly) just before I got into the pool. By the time I'd done, I was really knackered and had real problems lifting my legs off the ground and driving home. So I went to bed with the fan on full blast and awoke 3 hours later feeling just as shitty. I didn't expire during the night and have decided to split the dosage, at morning and at night. Another executive decision.

Weather is unbearable hot and humid at present. So much watering of the tommies, pots and borders was done at 9pm. Wimbledon Wombles are out playing at present which always makes interesting viewing. Maggie like the new Spaniard in the new style of long shorts or short longs, revealing T and with a cutely tight arse. He's the new sensation this year not only for his game but other just as visual attributes. I like Ms Williams better. Simply amazed at her speed, accuracy and power for a girl who's got it big all over. Henhouse will doubtless fuck himself as usual. Talk about Virgin Wade in pants. The new Swede (also glamorous in the body) mashed we Brits last attempt in a slaughtering session with the Redeski March on Wed evening.

Who would be a victim of CTC (child tax credit) at present. Good 'ole CAB doing it's stuff as usual sorting out HMG cock-ups and Councils' ineptitude. I like the CAB. They sit in the forefront of everything nasty and unjust. Desparado's can go along to any CAB, sit in a cramped waiting room, use the toilets, change nappies and the like, help themselves to cold water and actually talk to a humanoid. You can actually shout, swear, be abusive and even be violent to this non-paid, wonderfully understanding, polictically correct, non- discrimatory, non-judgemental, life experienced and fully certified bod. I defy anyone to better this anywhere. You don't even get near it with your church and god. I should know, 'cause I'm one of them. Once a week dealing with people's shit is all I can take. With regard to CTC, inspite of Blairs new ability to express sorrow, IR publicly says the if the system was easy to run, many people would loose out on this crucial modern method of "benefit". Apparently, it's designed to have the dark side so that there's always light when you need it most. The system is not designed to be managed by tax staff but by..........................Wait for it it............................................ computers!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Fuck people, be nice to your PC............................. AND to your CAB Adviser as they your last hope for human contact.

Must sort out a blood pressure monitor.

HEAVY DAYS

2005-06-20T15:23:00.000+01:00

It's been a few hot and busy days for me.
Hot as the weather has been hot but not as humid as Sunday.

Busy due researching my writing and general internetting around. I'm not sure what I'm going to write on or about or indeed if at all.

Last night, after a Sunday feast and wine and liquers at the In Laws, it absolutely rained cats and dogs. Today, just 10 miles north of here, some villages have had flash floods on a scale never experienced before. Nobody killed but alot of property damage and destruction of countryside.
When will we wake up to climate change and global warming and do something to slow it down and reverse it. When it's too late and I'm dead is the answer.

I had to visit my GP to discuss BP again and change the medication. He was in fine form and did what I wanted and guess what?? BP is still high. So I now have to take a double doze of the Alpha Blocker and monitor the readings. He thought it a good idea for me to get my own BP monitor so that I can take the readings at home thereby wasting less of his time. It will also fill in more of my time.

The appointment of a black African Archbishop in York is causing a few raised eyebrows. Most folk of York don't know what a black person is, except they are not white. Does this appointment mean that we are to expect a sudden surge of black migrants to the area?? Because if not, I can't see how this "integration and unity" of all christian colours, that both the Archbishops talk about, will ever work. The Church of England certainly works in mysterious ways. I love it all.

Love you all, too..................................................

JUST A REST

2005-06-18T13:53:00.000+01:00

There's been general outrage at my recent absence. I do have my reasons and they are associated with much ponderance and reflection on my predicament. I am fed up with talking about constipation, diarrhea, incontinence, old age, pensions, no money, ill health, doctors, high blood pressure, boredom, inability to get a part-time job at minimum wage; the fucking list just goes on and on and on. I get morose at writing about it and even more morose at reading the shit. Who cares that I've a labeled disease, nobody, except those assoles who've got the same. It's not an exclusive club. Over 50%% of this miserable population have one affliction or another.

So what I am to do?????????????????????

I guess it is worth living a few more years so that I can experience my grown-up kids make further in-roads into their lives. Be there for them when they need a listening luggole, bear witness to a marriage or 2, celebrate passing outs, job success, new births and shed a tear when it all goes peetong. God knows how they afford their own houses without the parting of cash from one source or another and the provision of a free Christmas break is always welcome!!!!!!!!!!!

Even to the trained eye, it can be gleaned that I am able to string words together to form a sentence. Grammar maybe dodgy, infinitives are often split, subject and objects confused, past participles present, spelling always correct courtesy of spellcheck (Yankee style) and with liberal use of 4 letter words which means that my writing is cert.18. Well this is a start, some might say, to bigger and better things. What I wish to do is write and write and write. Should it be fiction, should it be erotica, should it be children's, should be travel, humour, chiclit, agalit, oldfartslit, dearbilllit.......................................
What should I write??????????????/

I could write a book on "How to Fail in Small Business". This would make a change to normal style of self-help books that tell how to succeed, how to be a good business person, how to market, how to sell, how recruit staff, how to win & keep customers. Bookshelves are full of the hyped - up books. What about some hyped - down books? Would I be setting a new trend by stating "How not to Do Anything". Like "How not to Bring Up a Family", "How not to get into Debt", "How not to get an ASBO"," How not stay in a Relationship" and so on and so forth and so fifth.

I will do research, take advice, listen to soundings, trawl the internet, talk to my god for inspiration, navel gaze, apply cream, nibble nails, drink tea, do the
SU DOKU (note the spelling variant, courtesy today's TIMES), talk to the birds, plants and myself. Draw up a list, make a plan and then chuck it all away!!!!!

sometime later, readers when I've got it!!!!!!!!!!!

THURSDAY is a GAS

2005-06-09T21:45:00.000+01:00

It took me over 3 hours to do today's feindish SUDOKU!!! Good job that I've got fuck all else to do. It was particularly difficult.

Two appointments booked for today. One for the British Gas engineer to service the boiler expected between the hours of 12 and 6 and the other for some company to change the gas meter expected between the hours of 8 and 6. Another reason to be at home all day. Why on earth can't these people give you a fixed time. Once before when we had trade appointment, the bloke came when I was trying to have a crap. He rang the doorbell twice in quick sucession. I certainly wasn't going to stop doing my stuff so he fucked off and left a note through the door saying nobody was at home and to phone the office to make another appointment. I enjoyed making that phone call as you can imagine!!!!

My new executive management chair arrived today, as well, amidst all the gas goings on. It came via TNT in a fucking enormous box big enough to hold 10 illegal immigrants. The driver very kindly un-did the box in the drive and lugged the chair upstairs for me as he could see that I was a spastic bastard. He wanted a piss anyway. What a nice chap!! So I'm in place at the right height feeling like the boss again. I am really impressed with eBay. I only paid for it using my newly set up PAYPAL account on Wednesday afternoon. Who needs shops??

Bill Oddies Springwatch series on BBC2 is giving me a bit of fun on their website. I joined the message board and posted a couple of entries and people have actually responded to me. It's nice to know that someone takes me seriously!! Of course, they don't that I'm a cunt with attitude. I'm amazed at the number of folk who are totally absorbed into this programme and it is almost as if they care more about the birds in their gardens than they do about their
kids. It is the last week next week, so watch it.

tata..............................................

WEDNESDAY IN THE PINK!!

2005-06-08T22:06:00.000+01:00

Yesterday I felt like an arseole all day, I looked like one and I sounded like one. Will not even try to reveal anymore than that except that I felt like doing battle with the medical profession. One of these days, I will get on top of all my problems.

Today is sunny and I feel sunny, for a change. How a night can make a difference. Was the fact that T Blair was tucked up in Washington or Bill Oddie was waxing lyrical about a chaffinches nest that is really a greenfinches - that reminds me - I must email him and explain about birds to him!!

I did go for my Wed pool session. It was packed with at least 40 people all with a disability of one thing or more. I take my hat off to the unpaid band of lifeguards and helpers. They must feel like leaving some people to drown as it's not easy coping with us cripples. I can't cope with me so how can anyone else. They are indeed a special bunch. BUT - I'm not rude or arsey to others when I'm in public especially where someone gives up their time to help you and also especially when many more have greater cause for complaint than me!! SO THERE, you lot if you were thinking that I'm a heap of piss, wind and shit!!!

Have managed to secure office chair courtesy of eBay. It is brand new and would retail for £367 on the high street. I got a "bargain" for £49.99 delivered. My, how we are carried away on eBay and taken in by all the hype and bull. Even me who knows better and has a fucking t-shirt to prove it, still gets sucked into the buzz. Anyway, I cleared it all with Maggie B4 I did the deal as she said she would buy it for me for my forthcoming birthday!! What a lovely wife she is. Needless to say, she thinks what I do with eBay is total bollocks and she would have gone to Office World to purchase a similar chair. Just think of all the fun she would miss out on. It's taken me over 2 weeks to make this purchase trying to scupper some plonker called "brian321" (with 1 star) who bids too early and sets his max. of a fiver above the starting price and then stops bidding. All he has done is benefited the seller. Anyway, he's fucked off now and I managed to get this chair at the price I was prepared to pay and not be forced into a higher figure by amatuers!! Let's see if it arrives in one piece!!

Later..............................

MONDAY

2005-06-06T21:43:00.000+01:00

I actually don't feel too bad today and want to do something a bit physical. I know, I will plant out the hanging baskets and sort out the remaining tubs on the patio. The plug plants that I purchased via mail order are doing well and are ready for transplanting. Got trailing fushias and petunias which should be good together as long as they are watered and fed regularly. That's the drawback with tubs, pots and baskets - always need something doing. CL's tommy plants are also ready for planting out. I intend to pot these into growbags on the patio. Yes, you may ask, how can you cane them up in a growbag sitting on concrete?? Easy - put the bags under a window sill and hook the tops of the canes in place. There is no doubt that all the rain we have been having has delighted the plants and birds. Some parts of southern England have a hose pipe ban in place already. Must be global warming or cooling as it is here.

I had a rare useful phone call. The rheumatology dept. at Leeds GI wanting to know if I knew where my old x-rays and notes would be. I've an appointment with the Anky Spon specialist this Friday. Left it a bit late, I told the lady considering my last appt was in Feb!!
I have had this request before and hospitals/doctors /consultants are
incapable of communicating with each other, it would seem. It would be sensible for patients or chronics like me who have reams of notes to be able to collect all their documenation before they leave a county to move to another like I have. Been here for 3 years now and my old records are nowhere to be found, so the people up here tell me!!! So, once again, I gave the lady addresses and phone numbers of hospitals, doctors and consultants. Anyway, it's dealing with the present problems that should be on the agenda now - what's happened has happened.

I got paid again today - a whole £15!! It is for participating in a postal survey. I think you already know this earth-shattering news. I've now earnt £30 since I started doing it. Don't tell the tax-man.

There was no post today which is good - but what we are getting is a lot more of these silent telephone calls. Most are international and witheld numbers. We can see on our phone who is calling. I've learnt a new trick - answer silence with silence and just leave the phone connected for as long as you like. They'll soon get fed up with this as long as we all do it and hopefully go out of business as a result.

CL is back home safely after a few days in Austin, Texas. She's waxing lyrical about the whole experience - the conference, her presentation, the people, the place, the weather, the food & drink and indeed the air-travel. Now she's planning her next trip!!! You can't keep a high flyer down!!

Later.........................................

SOGGY SUNDAY

2005-06-05T20:11:00.000+01:00

I really can not believe it!!!!

Another wet and miserable day. The garden is loving it along with the birds. It did stop long enough for me to have my daily toddle around the estate.

No funny old ladies to day but a bevy of 7 & 8 year old girls!! I am acutely aware of the risks of being friendly to such a group but they do know me and see me as no threat with my walking stick. They are quite happy to talk away a load of crap most of which I don't understand. All made worse by their strong Yorks accent. One of them had a mobile phone. She had just been texting her boy-friend!!! Boy friend, I said in utter disbelief, far too young for boys. I've just got the Froggie ring tone put on, she says, giggling. The whole nation has been gripped by this fucking frog, the character and the irritating jingle. All I think is how mighty is the power of TV. If a 7 year old can be influenced to that extent, what hope is there for the rest of the nation. Then she proceeded to tell me that she phoned the police the other day, just for fun. She didn't speak - just a silent call like we are all getting these days. I told her she is a very silly little girl and deserves her bottom smacked. Actually, that is what I thought. What I actually did was ignore her and move onto the next silly girl who proceeded to tell me that she is still skipping every day since I saw her doing it months ago and told her that skipping is good for her health!!!

Bless her.

The other event that made me listen today, apart from Radio 3's wall to wall Beethoven, was the comment that 3 out of 4 black kids get less than 5 passes at GCSE. Some do-gooder has suggested that inner city schools who have the biggest problem, should have special classes for black kids. One lad interviewed, Alexi, has achieved much better results than this. He says that the problem is every time some one mentions the plight of black kids, it alienates them even more. It's not special treatment we need he says, but more integration. We are already a target minority because of our colour. What about the equally poor performance by white kids - nobody suggests that they should be singled out for special treatment. He's dam right and at 18, he is an aspiring prime minister, in my opinion. Segregation breeds segregation. It makes for cateogaisation, for
statistics, for groups, for tables, for targets, for do-gooders to focus their efforts on. The result is yet another national outcry and more government interference. Why can't we be just like people??

Another new week..................................

A NONE DAY

2005-06-04T21:06:00.000+01:00

Again I woke up to rain. Not to the noisy kids this time.

The rain stopped at about noon by which time I had done the Times SUDOKU, had muesli with Soya milk, had a crap (unusual for me to do this in daylight hours!!) and returned to bed for another hour or so. Maggie is working nights so is sleeping til about 2pm. I had orders to go to TESCO to purchase a 2 for 1 offer on some red wine with a voucher that she had cut out of the newspaper. The kitchen drawer is full of vouchers and money off coupons. Most go to CL as she is in need of much financial assistance. If you had paid attention you will recall that CL is a perpetual student!!

I absolutely hate TESCO's. It represents a ruination of individual enterprise and closure of many village and high street shops. It encourages a yob culture where people will run you down with those fucking awlful trolleys, barge in front of you and insist of rummaging through the boxes of fruit and veg on the basis that the ones on the shelves have been tainted by humankind. Too true they have, not only tainted by grubby fingers that have been up noses and bum oles but also by chemicals to make them grow, chemicals to stop them from over-riping, chemicals to give them colour and yet more chemicals to wash them before they are displayed. It's no wonder that our immune systems are shot to hell and back. If you are like me on medication then your immune system is already fucked. Eating TESCO fresh foodstuffs as well ----------- you may as well kiss your arse goodbye!!!! I'm not even convinced by their so called organic labels. Who knows that they are and what they say they are?? Who could prove or otherwise. TESCO's know this and this gives them more excuse to extortion more money form us. True enough, they are a convenience store but with penalties. We should all be very aware of a health warning when we enter supermarkets. Not only are we damaging ourselves, we are damaging others around us and the environment in which we wholly depend. Talk about smoking being bad for you. About 30% of our children are classified OBESE. Blame TESCO's!!!

I am struggling on eBay to buy a decent chair for my den. I currently use an old dining room chair that we had as a wedding present over 30 years ago. It's got high nostalgic value but is most uncomfortable for long sitting. All I want is an office chair with a decent back support, big enough for my bum and high enough to accommodate my spastic legs. Also, I've set a max. sum of £50 incl. P&P. I'm convinced that the plebs are buying these so-called Italian leather chairs with German hydraulics at a grossly inflated figures. These eBay Power sellers certainly know what they are doing. They must knock them off - as who in their right minds would start at 99p for a chair that purportedly retails at over £300 unless it was knocked off?? Anyway I will not give up and hope to secure such a chair soon at 99p.

Off to embellish Beethoven, so til next time.......................

EVEN WETTER

2005-06-03T19:57:00.000+01:00

I seem to be running out of time the last couple of days. Yesterday I was summons to the in laws for dinner and arrived home a bit late and tipsy indeed. Always over imbibe with them as it seems to flow freely with mother in law!! Same as my mother, seem to drink sherry at any time - it what keeps them going. I like G&T best.

The weather has been atrocious here for the last couple of days and now it is thundering. The rain is coming down like stair-rods but all the birds are just loving it. They can get the badly needed worms for their broods. Maggie is pleased with herself as she got all the plants in just in time and now they are being well watered in. It's all in the timing.

Europe is at last speaking its mind on the way it is governed or misgoverned which I think is the more appropriate. Perhaps now we will see some common sense prevail somewhere along the line. All these smug bastards stuck in their ivory towers in Luxemburg. Reality must follow now and hopefully Blair will now see that a united Europe will never happen. I do hope so for the sake of our kids if nothing else.

I had the dreaded blood pressure test again - 2 weeks after the last. Not a lot of difference, not gone up, stayed the same. It is still too high at 150/96 and I may have to have a review of my BP medication. I am going to live with out the Arcoxia for a while and continue to monitor my BP every 2 weeks. I have an appointment with the rhuematologist who prescribed the Arcoxia, next week. So all this can be discussed and hopefully some conclusion reached. I really don't like living with all this doubt as I don't feel in control. I think that it's important that if you have a chronic health condition, that you are in control of it and not the other way round. If you are not, life is totally unbearable and you may as well give up.

Pool exercises today. So I got even wetter. Nothing spectacular happened except I continue to marvel at the people who go to the pool. Always so bloody cheerful inspite of their disabilities. I should really just shut up and stop feeling so fucking sorry for myself. Why can't I do it?? I find it hard to come to terms with my lot and each day I wake up hoping for some miracle. It'll never happen.

Now our poor kids can't read. The government announced a review into methods of teaching kids to learn to read. I cringe at what they are saying. The simple reason that kids can't read is that the poor teachers can't teach the buggers. They are spending too much time on admin and trying to keep law and order. There's no books that kids can bring home to sit with mum and dad and practice. There's no mum and dad anymore. If there were, they are too busy being busy with their own lives. Who wants the kids stopping THEIR enjoyment. It's little wonder that kids go off the rails.

Ah well, what do I know..............................

WET WED

2005-06-01T21:05:00.000+01:00

It has rained most of the day. We need every drop. South and East Australia are drought stricken. Hefty fines if anyone is caught watering their gardens and washing cars. If that happened here, what we would do on a Sunday?

We have an overload of Geldof again. He is a most scruffy bugger with an extremely loud mouth. He told Kirsty Wark on Newsnight yesterday that we as a nation could not continue watching newsnight as Africa starves to death. We simply can not ignore their plight any longer. Well, Sir Bob, I have some news for you. Africans are Africans. The more we interfere with them the worse
their plight becomes. Sure shoot the dictators if you want to. You can't tell me that 25m Zimbabweans can't muster a revolution to exterminate Magabe if they so desired. In spite of their demise, the Africans will accept their lot irrespective of what happens to them. No amount of western protestations will ever change them. The media is very quick to tell us that 1 newborn dies every 3 seconds.
They neglect to tell us how many are born. It is more than this!!!! Only 17% of Africans die before they reach 5 years. They accept this as normal. This is the African. They have survived on this planet longer than us whities. We must not use our western standards to judge them by. Every time we do, we create a bigger problem for them and indeed for ourselves. I do know what I'm talking about as I have worked in sub-saharan Africa for 24 years. If God wanted us all to be like us whities, this planet would cease to function in every respect.

Wednesday is my pool exercise day and it went ok considering that I have not been for a couple of weeks because of feeling off colour. I know that it is vital for me to exercise to keep on top of the symptoms of Anky Spon otherwise I will sieze up, become round shouldered, stoop and not able to lift my head. This is apart from the spinal and hip pains.

Maggie has been making fresh bread and malt loaves most of the day so the house has been full of baking pongs. I can't eat a lot of the stuff as it seems to upset my digestion (due to the fucking medication, I believe) but she gives some to her mum and keeps them in the freezer for the visiting kids.

As I predicted, moaning about more plants has prompted vigorous donning of marigolds and wielding the trowel in the pouring rain. Old plants and weeds are out and new plants are in. You can't keep a good woman down!!!! She is now talking about painting the internal doors and the cupboard under the stairs. I can't see anything wrong with the paint.

I've spent some time researching into family history software. I have already made a start on the wife's side of the family and put all the info onto a demo version. This will not allow me to export or print thus forcing me to purchase the full edition. It's all a scam. So I am looking for a freebie - does anyone have any ideas???

BFN..........................................

TOUGH OLE TUESDAY

2005-05-31T21:07:00.000+01:00

It must have been a real effort to get going this morning after a few days off.

The bloody schoolkids are still off as they woke me up at 8.30 kicking their fucking football in the street. I do feel like shouting something at them. They'll hurl abuse at me if they see some half-naked ole geezer at his bedroom window shouting the odds at them. The half-naked bit is because that is all the window will show of me, just in case you wondered!!

Maggie was off out before 9am to her local ladies gym session to work up a sweat and tense up the slack bits. I won't say anymore than that!! I made the usual teapot full and made another 1 hour later. That's how long it normally takes me to feel semi- awake these days. If I have to be somewhere at 9am, I get up at 7am. I spend this time listening to Radio 4 and doing yesterday's Sudoku or another one in another paper. If I finish these I do the non-cryptic crossword. It usually takes me a week to finish the Saturday Times T2 crossword. They included a new SAMURAI SUDOKU this weekend. It's 5 separate Sudokus, all 9 x 9 shapes with the centre one interlinked on all sides by the other 4. What a mad arrangement. Needless to say, I've not done it yet. I do think they the media are overcooking the SUDOKU now. When a tart like Carol Voderpants start competing with us clever bastards, I think it's time to move onto something else. You really can't have every assole in the country doing it otherwise it'll become like Big Brother. May I suggest that those of you who feel the same way as me turn to jigsaw putting together. Or, howabout BLOGGING?
I actually started reading one of my 5 old library books that I purchased for £1 over the week end. I am determined to read more than one novel each year from now on!!

My lovely daughter is flying to Austin, Texas tomorrow on American Airlines. You will remember that it was 2 AA planes that contacted with twin towers of the WTC in New York. Being a fatalist, I'm not phased one bit at the thought of her flying to the States neither will be CL. She is made of sterner stuff and represents true British grit as we used to know it. It's called BALLS!! Fuck all to do with religion and extremists. Anyway, she's off to attend a seminar where all top brained people meet to give presentations and tell the assembled throng how good they all are.
I think it's called networking or is it arse-licking? No matter, she'll will getting her PhD as a result of her efforts.

I'll still be glad when she has returned to our sceptered isle.

More plants have arrived today courtesy of the mother -in-law. I'll have to dig up the patio in order to find the dirt to plant the buggers.

Later...........................

BANK HOLIDAY WEEKEND

2005-05-30T21:35:00.000+01:00

I guess it is nice to have few days off from the grudge of working for a boss for a couple of days. Catch up with the washing, ironing and mowing the lawn. I have not anything at all worthy in that direction as I don't have to anymore. There were plenty around our house doing it. Next door mowed the lawn, the other next door took down a garden shed and erected a bigger one. He was bloody noisy and I was concerned that he awake Maggie who is working nights. The guy opposite, called Guy, painted his garage and front doors a dark navy. The other chap opposite washed his 2 cars and spend the whole of Monday sat on his drive polishing the chrome on his old Harley Davison. Dead opposite live Korean people and early Sunday morning I could hear all this chicken language (the sounds they make when communicating) and there were about a dozen young people all assembling in the road packing up a van ready to go off somewhere. They must have come in the night and were setting off on the next leg of their journey. What a performance.

On my toddling routine around the estate today, I passed pleasantries with an old girl cleaning down her garden gate. She stopped to sieze the moment - an opportunity to talk and me too. I heard all about the period she had spent as a children's nanny in Broadstairs and the day she met Michael Wilder and Elizabeth Taylor (whom she later married). The drunken parties, sex on the beach and all the things that famous people do. Those days they got away with it and nobody knew. The time she went to the beach with her charge and this soldier walked along and asked her to join him in the sea. She had to refuse but he just stripped off in front of her and bowled into the sea stark naked!! Those were the days, she said. I could not stay listening any longer so I made my excuses and toddled off. I'm sure that she would have offered me a chair to sit down if I wanted to. But I need to exercise and have a pee.

Bill Oddie is back on TV with the fantastic Simon King. He's on Mull watching Fish Eagles. Did you see him on Bass Rock, last year watching the gulls and those fantastic peregrine falcons in Somerset. Sensible chap keeping away from Bill who does prattle on like an old woman. Still I like the programme as the filming is excellent.Our birdlife is not as exciting. The starlings and their babies perform in the bird bath and the goldfinches visit daily. The blackbirds have failed to nest in our Lleylandii due to the cats stalking them. But they still venture in to feed. Next doors football frightens them all off when it lands on our lawn. What can you do??

Enjoy getting up for work tomorrow.........................

SACRE BLEAU

2005-05-28T21:52:00.000+01:00

Oui Oui Non Non!!!!! Our Froggie freiends are going to decide the fate of Europe on Sunday.

I like the French. No nonsense, yes or no, live or die, please or displease, selfish, patriotic and that oh so sexy accent. Personally, they should really vote oui. Because without a united Europe we ain't anything. The UK is already the 53rd state of America and likely to continue so until the fucking Tories make up their minds. Without a united Europe, no body except Al Qu'eda can stop the Americans. And there lies the rub. How can Europe be united. No common culture, no common lingo, no common agreements, nothing remotely common about our individual constitutions, laws, taxes, military, resources, energy......... the list is endless. So the French will vote Non because that is what we expect them to do. They don't even like their president - Blair likes him more!!! But you can't fault the French. They just don't give a fuck about anyone else except themselves. The reason for this state of affairs is the guillotine!! Quite simply a marvellous invention, so simple, clean and swift and extremely effective in quelling any fears about self survival and instilling a self -preservational attitude. I think it was the mid 1700's when Mons Guillotine invented this contraption and it played a vital part in forming French society as we love/hate today. SURVIVAL of the fittest, loyalist, cunningist, non-royalist plebians. This is who the French are, I believe.
We, on the other hand, went through religious persecution and destruction with a load of royalist hate thrown in, all of which has made us Brits a deeply suspicious lot and is this what causes us to sit on the fence on many decisions? But, history has shown that we can take a stand on certain fundamental issues. We know that we live in a nanny state today, but why do we allow it to stay as it is?? Why are we becoming anarchic???

Please debate with me on these issues.

I really don't know whats happened to our climate. We had thunder last night. Today it is so windy that it has blown over 2 of my potted plants on the patio. The direction is easterly, off the north sea and so it's bloody freezing again. Another 3 weeks will be mid-summer and the days will then be getting shorter as winter draws anigh!!!!

Oh, how I long for the African climate...............................

FRIDAY 27 MAY 2005

2005-05-27T20:30:00.000+01:00

My last weekly bus trip into York was very uneventful excepting for the grumpy old driver who shouted at people to move down the bus and then slammed shut the door in some old biddies face as she tried to get on. Bugger them he thought - if they can't see that my bus is full, I'll fix them.

I must admit that people do behave like sheep when they are "en masse". It must be the herding instinct, like rubber neckers on roads when there's been an accident or the ogglers when there's been a happening or just plain nosey parkers. I tend to do the opposite when confronted by such situations. My sense tells me to keep well clear or else you could become embroiled in something you didn't bargain for. I will say that throughout my life, I've tended to do the exact opposite of the majority. That's should tell you budding physiologists something about me!!

I was knackered in the pm (again) so had a lie down and listened to Classic FM. Maggie tends to stare at the TV in the afternoons after she has been on night duty, so she doesn't miss me. While most of the country basked in the hottest May day ever, it was cold, wet and windy up here especially pm. In fact, we had the gasfire on. We live in strange times. It's not just me, is it??

I am trying to fix up a holiday for us both. Maggie has some leave in October and I've been given the task to find somewhere to go and stay for a few days. It's a real problem. I'm the real problem. Coach holidays are out on the account of lack of leg-room, too much time sitting about travelling and the type of people that tend to go on this sort of holiday. Sounds snobbish, but there you are. Going long distances in the car is no fun either. Flying holidays are out as I'm the problem. Also, we just don't have the money anymore. Personally, I'm not worried about going away. I'm just as happy going out for days here and there. Maggie can put me in my lovely NHS wheelchair, which has been collecting dust sat in the garage ever since I got it last November, and push me over the cliffs at Whitby. Maybe, I'll suggest that to her.

Well, that's my last adult education class done today. I'll have to find another course to do. I wish that more males could go. The day-time courses are mainly female dominated and they don't know when to shut up!!! It's been good to go and learn new things especially as I don't have to pay. I didn't meet anyone in particular that I would want to see again. Sue was nice, though. She helped me to do a spot of research on a Scottish family history website to find ancestors for Maggie's father. She gave copies of a number of entries for him. I'm now trying to relate this information to the right person. It'll take ages to substantiate the info. But then, time is not precious to me any more. I thought that Hardy was an uncommon name. But a survey of surnames done in 1887 showed approx. 120,000 Hardy's out of a total population of 30 million throughout the UK then.

So, I'm nobody special.............................

TOUCHY THURSDAY

2005-05-26T20:15:00.000+01:00

It's the way I feel today and ,in fact, most days these days. A bit irritable and grouchy - not much change then, some would say. Maggie constantly being nice to me and enquiring of my general level of pain - I get fed up with it. I never know what to say - not bad, not too bad, ok, alright, so so, etc etc. I can never say, fine, thank you, very well or just plain well. That would be lying because I'm not alright, am I when you have a chronic disease.
If I was ok, I wouldn't be sat here at home with fuck-all to do. I wouldn't have a tin box full of drugs or a calendar full of doctors, nurses and hospital appointments if I was well, would I?
I used to say fine thanks, how are you? People who knew me when I was doing a proper job just ignored my limp and obvious discomfort. When I was self employed, people, mainly bloody customers, used to grimace when they saw me performing trying to photocopy something. Heaven help them if the machine threw a wobbler - I certainly let them knew how I felt about my business, the town and sad lot of the ranks of self-employed. That was before i got onto politics and VAT!!! I now know that being self employed is a very sobering and levelling experience. You learn for the first time in your life what exactly YOU are like. I discovered that I was a total wanking bastard. Poor self delusion of the fact that I was an appalling employee. How I survived for 10 years without topping someone or myself is a fucking miracle. All I can say is that I made my own bed of nails- so lie on it and suffer and, by the way, put your wife and family on the bed as well!!

I must have burnt money faster than any at Le Mans. If I give you some figures, you'll know what I'm twatting on about. I paid Cash £35k- redundancy money. Took a £60k business loan. Spent about another £20k savings. That was before I opened the front door. Over the 10 years, I poured in at least another £100k raised from Dads estate and overdrafts. Averaged out over the 10 years of trading, turnover was £130kpa. Averaged costs, before loans and overdraft repayments and me, were £90kpa. It cost over £24kpa in rent and rates alone. In the end, we had to sell the family home in order to appease the bank as it was clear to them that my business was worthless and as the long suffering business banking manager who had listened to all my optimistic bullshit over many years, put it "the haemorrage must be plugged". I got 10p for it in Sept 2002 and now the business has gone bankrupt. Good riddance to it all. What a nightmare. And a further twist to the sorry saga hit me last March when the place closed and I received unpaid rent demands from the landlord. It has taken me until now, all this time and a further £18k (loan in Maggies name which she is repaying over 5 years) to halt bankruptcy proceedings against me. Even now I've got to wait until the lease expires in 2011 until I'm totally off the hook. This is all to do with feudal commercial law involving business covenants. I still don't understand it even though it's a burning tyre round my neck.

The question is has writing all this down like this a confession to the world made feel any better or worse????

Anyone prepared to comment.......................................

MID-WEEK BLUES

2005-05-25T19:58:00.000+01:00

I had to go bed early last night on account of the Anky Spon. Holby City was on which I hate so bed and Classic FM are better alternatives. I took 2 more diclo's and fell asleep quickly. The radio was still on at about 2am when I awoke with distinct bowel rumblings. It always happens about this time or about 4.30am. Why can't I be like a normal person. I always used to go after breakfast every other day or daily if i went on the beer. Now I'm constipated at 2am!! There must be another way!! I'm sure that the reason for this is the medication. I've tried different lubricants but they either don't work or I shit the bed!! Maggie complained of a blockage this morning. I just ignored her.

The back is easier today but I did not feel like going to the pool. I hate wrestling with socks on damp feet and doing my shoes up after the session. What I would really like is a pool in the garden - heated and covered, of course!! I wouldn't have to worry about any clothes then would I? The sun has actually shone this afternoon and I feel like doing a spot of exercise. Our hardwood garden table and chairs are out on the patio ready for summer BBQ's and could do with some wood treatment. I like Danish oil. Easy to put on and dries into a nice hard semi-gloss finish. One coat will last until next spring. I managed to the job without many serious twinges and swearing. Maggie went over to her parents to mow the lawn - good exercise for her. Then she came back and mowed ours.

Nothing else.........................

TROUBLESOME TUESDAY

2005-05-24T16:43:00.000+01:00

Another arsey day, I'm afraid. Had to miss my weekly CAB advice session as the back was telling me not to venture outside. So, I was back in bed by 10am. I fished around my drugs drawer, which is full of old drugs as well as current ones and found some diclofenac - the slow release variety. After a couple of hours, the pain began to ease so I just laid on my back for another hour listening to classic FM. I think these drugs are more effective than the ones I took on Sunday.

The news made me smile. A couple of plonkers had seen the latest Star Wars movie and made themselves 2 light sticks with old fluorescent tubes and filled them with petrol. Anyway, they set themselves alight!! Can you believe it. Presumably, they stood under some high voltage power lines, as one does with fluorescent tubes to make them light but why did they put petrol in the buggers?? OR did they take a match to ignite them?? Unbelievable!! Now the state will have to look after them and I'm sure they are thinking who to sue - MGM perhaps. What a pair of total utter prize pillocks!!!

I am now trying to sort out what next to sell on eBay. I've got loads of old vinyl LP's that got back to the 1970's. I also have my old university notes, a very old bible that I think belonged to mother's mother before she was married, so it will be at least late 1800's. I could record CD's from the web but i don't know what the in music is these days. I got a load of used socks and boxers that someone might like? A good few hand -knitted sweaters that are so dated even I wouldn't be seen dead wearing them. But, the hours that went into knitting those would put you modern girls to shame!! If you have any ideas for me, I would love to hear from you. Thanks.

Another Wednesday tomorrow.........................

MOPEY MONDAY

2005-05-23T20:47:00.000+01:00

Not a good start to the week. Not that I really care as nowhere to go on Mondays anyway. The Anky Spon doing its best again. Bad right hip and sore lower spine. I could feel it in bed during night. Fucking thing. I heard Maggie go out just past 9am off to the gym to do her bit. She's got to be fit to look after me!!! Spent the am with my hot wheat bag (on my back/hip), teapot, cigar and sudoku's. Yes, every paper now seems to have them of varying types, sizes and complexity. There is even on with both letters and numbers. I can't see where to start on this.

More plants arrived in the post - hopefully the last lot as they are becoming a pain. They are so small that they will takes ages to beef up into something that resemble a bedding plant. Still they are cheap and saves pissing about at B&Q's with all the plebs and shenanigans. I can't believe it. Maggie just walked in with more fucking plants - Lupins and other shitty things. Where are you put them?? I'll find a nice little home for them, she says. There are so many plants in our borders that even the weeds choke to death. Plenty of slugs so that'll kill them off - the plants that is.

A nice surprise in the post. I received a complimentary copy of the "Dalesman". This means bugger all to anyone who lives outside N. Yorks. It's one of those nasty A5 glossy mags published all over the country aimed at the blue rinse brigade and county types. I hate them and the mags. Anyway, I submitted an article to the Dalesman in March 2004 and it's in the June 2005 edition. My first publication!! I'm definitely self-employed again, now!! The article falls under the regular feature "My Best Day Out". So I wrote an experience based some nearly 4 years ago now while making plans to escape Folkestone, my failed business and Kent as a whole. The story of my failed business is a book entitled " How not to succeed at Self - Employment". I think I did everything that Sir Alan Sugar did except swear all the time.

Sun is out, so off to have a cuppa with my beloved..........

Just Sunday

2005-05-22T19:48:00.000+01:00

I had to take an anti-inflammatory pill last night as since I stopped taking the Arcoxia on Friday, I am very achy and stiff. The effects of drugs wear off very quickly to my surprise. I would like to know if anything has happen to my BP? I am looking on eBay for cheap BP monitors!! You quickly start to get paranoid over issues like this which makes everything worse. I'm endeavouring to fight it and just deal with it each day I wake up. Actually, I did have a fairly good night inspite of the pains so the old drug (Ketoprofene) works quite well.

I went for a wobble around the estate with nothing dramatic happening - no mooning youths but lots of ducklings wobbling like me. Perhaps they think I'm a duck?? I'll have to stop while I tell you this as it happens. Have just seen a medium size bird of prey swoop down into the tree opposite my den window and grab a poor unsuspecting baby bird!!!! Great excitement. First time that I have ever witnessed such an event. Now I will have to get my book of birds out to determine what raptor it was. I wonder if I could train this wonderful bird to catch the neighbours cat???

BREAKING NEWS - I have a flashing icon!!! Tells me that I've sold my first on eBay!!! Praise the Lord. First income for 3 years. I'm self- employed all over again!!! Fuck the tax - man. I'm risen like a phoenix from the dead. £6.50 + £10.00 P&P for my old Matsui CD Player. I can't believe it. I'll have to rummage around the house and see if I can locate other old junk!!

Maggie and I sat with our coffees outside and watched the baby starlings being fed by their parents. It's a hilarious sight. Then 2 big old wood pigeons landed -1 right in the middle of the bird bath!! Then the other joined it and they started....... yes mating, well actually it was foreplay and then they flew off embarrassed by the audience no doubt.

Off for dinner, as Maggie is calling........................

GAY SATURDAY

2005-05-21T16:52:00.000+01:00

I've got out of sequence with my logs - hope you are as confused as I am!!! I will endeavour to post each day!!

I forgot to buy the Times. I like doing the Sudoko puzzle. Does anyone else do this?? It takes me a long time to do the most difficult ones that are published on Thursday's and Friday's. Apparently Carol Vorderman can do these in 19 minutes - one clever lady. Her secret is to put all numbers that are left after the easy elimination process into the remaining squares. Where a number only appears once you put it in. Where 2 or more numbers remain, you use the puzzles logic and process of elimination to work out the rest. Easy Peasy. This is a typical demonstration of a female brain. There is no logic here - you just put all your options into a basket and by a process of elimination and luck come out on top!!!! Men, on the other hand, would apply rules and defined logic in order to evolve a pattern and sequence without having to write all the numbers in a square where only one has to go in. Have you ever tried to erase something from a newspaper!!!

Anyway, I wanted to buy a mag called Arena and ended with a copy of Attitude. I thought it was a bit strange to have a naked male on the front cover. Needless to say, I did not have my specs with me!! Sure enough, back home, when I removed the plastic bag, male gayness jumped out every page!!! If I had any doubts about my sexuality as I age, I certainly don't now!!! Mark you, the sort of feelings that I had as I turned the pages were much the same I used to get reading the odd copy of Mayfair and Penthouse. Sort of inner embarrassment and vunerability that our brothers and sisters would parade around with bits wobbling, dangling, bulging, dimpled, legs akimbo etc in order to make a crust. However, I do think that gay men have a slight problem over gay girls - their dicks have to go into something? I'll have to dispose the bloody mag somehow before Maggie finds it. Perhaps I could get my money back via eBay??

Maggie arrived late pm having driven her parents most of the way back from Keith (near Aberdeen).

TURGID THURSDAY

2005-05-19T17:49:00.000+01:00

Today is BP check day and I'm dreading it. It's never where I hope it to be.
The reading was 150/100 which is too high and means I'm hypertensive again. I've had high BP for about 5 years now. For a while, loosing weight and getting into a local gym reduced it to about my normal which is 140/80. Then it rose again and I've been taking alpha and beta blockers for 2 years. Things had stabilised. I think the problem now is caused by 3 months of taking Arcoxia which is a new Cox2 inhibitor drug for inflammatory conditions like Anky Spon. I was told of the risks before I started. Anyone who has arthritis and been taking Vioxx and its generics will be aware of the furore surrounding the prompt withdrawal from the market last year because of the rise in cardiac cases and impending law suits. These bloody drug companies do not do sufficient long term research with a large enough sample. They are all money hungry,in a hurry and do a good rachet job on our lowly GP's. Its now the GP's having to bear the brunt of disgruntled patients or their relatives!! I fear that I will have stop taking them which will be a pity as they were helping me. I'll have to revert back to the gut busting Cox1's. I suppose it is better to suffer from a gastric bleed than a stroke or worse.

Had a sad p.m. after dropping my daughter off at the station to go back home. Maggie will be back in a couple of days so I'd better vacuum the carpets and switch on the dishwasher. I managed to complete the "fiendish" Sudoku in the Times which took me 2 hours. It fills in the time and is supposed to stave off senile dementure!!

I watched a free DVD, given away courtesy of the Mail, which is a good way to collect them or chuck them. It was called the Baker Boys about a couple of wannabe pianists in the States. Their tiresome act was jazzed up when they hired a slinky female singer with serious attitude. This went down well with one brother who also had serious attitude much to the annoyance of the other. No sex but plenty of "f's". Let me know if you want it. Not the sort of film you would see twice.

Til Friday.....................

FUNNY FRIDAY

2005-05-19T16:10:00.000+01:00

Sorry - I totally forgot to post this til Sunday!!! Maggie is home (Sat. night) and I'm all a dither!!

Not in the hilarious sense. My daughter long departed Kent way means a good time to clear up before Maggie returns. Dead flowers replaced courtesy of TESCO. Lounge carpet Dysoned. Potted plants watered. Bogs cleaned and laundry put into the basket. Had to buy some milk and bread. Chucked out mouldy cheese to the birds and a few festering veges festering in the fridge. So all is ready.

Had to be on the go early for my usual bus ride to the Library in York for the family history course. No pervy vicars today just mainly old farts doing what old farts do - god knows. They've had all week and they choose a Friday to clutter up the buses and pavements. Much smiling during the course. We looked at census returns form the 1800's. Did you know that a Gay Girl has nothing to do with the obvious. It's a professions much like dress-making. In fact it is the way to describe an age old profession - brothel worker!! We should have more of them - maybe it'll stop teenage lads raping underage girls and dried up old grannies. Surely this would be better than what many think should happen - incarcerate and castrate!!

I email my GP and he reciprocates almost immediately!! I told him of the high BP and he asked if the readings were based on an electronic machine or the sphygmometer. I had to look up the latter and I email a affirmative. He tells me to book fortnightly tests to monitor readings and that Arcoxia has been struck off. Then to have a further review to work out best anti-inflammatory to go on. So that's it for now. Whilst at TESCO (I hate the bloody place), I enquired at their pharmacy about electronic blood pressure monitors. Very good and all doctors are now beginning to use them. More reliable, cheaper, quicker etc etc. So there you go. I'll my GP and tell him to get up to date!!

Watched another DVD last night with Brad Pitt in. Brilliant actor and such a character revealing face. It'll be back to the soaps tomorrow night.

Saturday is another day.....................

WISTFUL WEDNESDAY

2005-05-18T15:03:00.000+01:00

More thinking going on today. I'm trying to re-focus on the results of the self appraisal of yesterday. A period of meditation, silence, reflection and inner re-configuration rather attracts me. Not to sure what Maggie will say, but I can hear her reaction. "you're becoming more like Prince Charles everyday". I like old Charlie. We are both the same age and talk to plants and birds. We have a lot in common. Maybe, I could ask him if he can arrange a good deal with the monks in Tibet. I don't want any self flagellation, though!!

"Respect" is the new moto for us all. Our Queen says it, Blair says it and so does George Galloway. 2 different Respects as far as I can see. Putting yobs into orange jump suits is being hotly debated. Put the parents in as well. I had to smile as Radio 4 did an interview on dealing with yobs, USA style. Some not so crazy sheriff in a very nice state says that his yobs are put into white boiler suits with black crosses all over. They also have to wear pink underwear!!! Supposedly, the buggers were nicking the new white underwear and selling it on. The wily old sheriff fixed them. " who wears pink underwear except old ladies and perverts" he says. So successful was his mission that the prison ended up with a surplus of the pink stuff and sold them world wide to supplement the income of the prison!!! How enterprising is that, I ask you. Our lot would never dream of such an outlandish idea. I like it. I'm sure that there must be a surplus of government issue underwear stacked high in warehouses all over Britain crying out to worn!!!

I'll have to go onto eBay and see if I can buy some!!! Talking of which my poor old CD player has had zero interest with only 3 days to go. I'm also trying to buy a brand new office chair with generous lumbar support (for the AS, should you wonder) for 99p!! They all end up being sold for at least £35 each plus £12 postage. I thought eBay was for bargain hunters - maybe there's a seed of a business opportunity developing - anyone want some pink underwear with impeccable credentials!!

Tomorrow is the last day to be spent with my daughter so must make the most of it.

Til later........................

THOUGHTFUL TUESDAY

2005-05-17T19:01:00.000+01:00

Today, I did a spot of revealing my feelings and "where do I go from here" to my daughter. Dad's should do this from time to time. Grown - up kids can throw a view on this dilemma. We should listen, as parents, as we could learn something. After all, we did mould them from day 1. Even at 27, they must have something to contribute. It's good to listen as well as talk. They can see things in a different perspective, especially if you have reached a turning point in your life as I have clearly reached. With 25 years of employment and another 10 years as my own boss living with a debilitating illness as mine, who wouldn't reach a crossroads at some time? Suffice it to say, I do need to think very clearly what I want out of my remaining years. I need to undertake a serious self-analysis of my situation and write a list!!! Focus on what is important to me and dismiss the dross. Look at my inner self, get rid of the demons and find a new achievable and happy vision. Importantly, do not look back and do not ask the "what ifs". This is the result of our chemistry together. I will search "google" tomorrow and see if I can join a monastery for help in my revelations!! Will give you an update soon.

Our evening together was spent visiting the local cinema (1st for me for years) to see " The Interpreter" starring Nicole Kidman, with a very dodgy South African accent and Sean Bean. All about a lookalike Zimbabwe with its despotic dictator brought before the UN and sentenced to a war tribunal for genocide. I liked it and could relate to the story having spent time living and working in Central Africa. This followed by a few lagers and nosh at Frankie & Bennies.

Good Day.........................

MAGNIFICENT MONDAY

2005-05-16T22:52:00.000+01:00

I was totally distracted yesterday by the arrival of my daughter!!
My excuse for a late Monday. We just did things and had intelligent conversation over wine and lasagne!! It was 10pm before I retired.
This is late for me. Normally, it's 9pm. I get tired very quickly. I'm sure the Anky Spon takes it out of me. Just moving around is calorie busting. Also, the effects of my medication begin to wear off early evening and I get more achy and stiff. So, lying down is more comfortable.

I have a very hard bed which is wide and long. I heat up my wheat bag in the microwave. I've got a small one in my room just for this. Sometimes I take a diazepam to help to relax muscle spasms in my legs and sleep. I try not to take this drug too often. Drugs are a minefield and I will illustrate my experiences some other time.

I did get angry yesterday when I heard distressed bird noises coming from the garden. It was next door's bloody cat with a poor defenceless baby starling in it's mouth. I did manage to distract the cat by nearly breaking the window and screaming like a banshee at it and it buggered off. Fortunately the bird was ok. He thanked me and flew off. I know you cat lovers will say that it is nature.
But, the cat is not mine and it should not be in my garden!!! I love birds more than cats. Why should these cats get away with killing 10m birds every year on our island?? So I am cat watch now - beware!!

I've got my first paid job since forced retirement from my own business (another story). A total of £15.00 for doing a postal survey for a German company who have been employed by the Royal Mail. This survey lasts 6 months and involves me receiving and posting letters each week. They pay me through PayPal which I've already set up for my eBay activities. Very clever. I may even make new pen-pals if I can be bothered to write to anyone that I like the sound of their name or should I just select a exciting sounding country like Japan??

Til later..............................

SUNNY SUNDAY

2005-05-15T17:08:00.000+01:00

It has been sunny today and warm. Actually did some sunning in the garden, for the first time in 2005 - in my famous old school gym shorts (kept up, today!!)

Maggie has left me. Just for a week while she goes with her parents to her Dad's Scottish haunts. She is going to help with the driving. It'll give her a break from me.
My daughter is to visit tomorrow for a few days. So we can do a bit of bonding!!

The Sunday papers are as boring as ever. World debt relief and poverty figure large.
The demise of the Conservative Party continues afoot. This only means yet more legislation and targets from Blair. He's going to put disrespectful yobs in orange uniforms. Is this for life?? What about the dysfunctional parents. Should they be put into orange uniforms. I can see the European Court have a field day with this one.
The take-over of Manchester United FC by some rich yank is causing mayhem with the fans. They are only soccer fans after all, not business entrepreneurs.

The rest of my day has been devoted to FF (Fiddling & Farting). Repotted overdue house plants. Filled up the bird feeders. Watered the pots on the patio and conversed with my next door neighbour. Nice girl with young growing family. I am really trying to show genuine interest but spending £2.00 per day on ice cream for her 2 kids somewhat turns me off. I just have to learn not to show it.

Pork casserole with dumplings for dinner...........

SMUG SATURDAY

2005-05-14T20:29:00.000+01:00

I feel quite smug today. Why??

Had 2 anons give me responses to last nights log. Good that I'm becoming known and getting fans.

I have ventured further into the realms of the internet by installing Broad Band on my PC at home. I've pondered about this move for some time. The extra cost (I am on state benefits) and increasing delays in things not happening on the screen. EBay was taking an age to reply. Dial-up meant that I had to sign off by 6pm:thus my evenings were led by soaps on TV. Now I can ignore TV and Maggie with a plausible excuse.

It is a long time since I mated. This pm, I witnessed the act being performed by 2 house sparrows on the roof. My brain worked out that if 1 bird is on top of another, something's up? Yes, the pretty one (male) must have a cock?
(I suppose that male house sparrows do possess such a weapon. I'll have to ask Bill Oddie). The sight was wonderful. The male really enjoyed himself and his mate was chuffed as well. Orgasmic flapping of wings, 2 loving pecks on the head and it's all over in a jiff. Bit like humans really, but without the cigarette.

I am sure that I was "mooned" (bare-arsed) this p.m. while I was having my daily limp around the estate. Even with a walking stick,I have to look at the ground to make sure that I miss dog shit and uneven pavements. Also,I have to concentrate hard ensuring that my feet don't interlock behind each other, or else I lick the tarmac!! This car was in a queue waiting to pass a stationary bus. I usually watch the buses to see if there's going to be a head-on crash. Place is full of maniac drivers. Then, I caught a flash of flesh. I had to look as one does. Sure enough, I saw the cleavage and it was vertical. Even I can recognize the difference between tit and arse. It was hairy. So I just blew a kiss at it. Up went the boxers with obvious embarrassment!!

The car moved off and away. Isn't this disgraceful? I am just a poor old lame and helpless old git. That's why he did it. To ridicule me. No respect for my disability. Bastard!! Probably pissed. Kid's just should not behave like this. What's makes them do it? No fear of recrimination or humiliation??

That fear was bought home to me whilst attending school in Hereford in the 60's. A spot of corporal punishment fixed me for life!! The Head was an expert caner. "Educated Evans with his Educator". He always did his beatings after gym. You never knew when it was coming or how many you would get. Normally, 2 or 3 boys who had committed an offence would be summoned to his "cupboard" by Evans So not only did I get it, the others saw me get it and I saw them get it. Shorts down as well!! Total humiliation and pain together. This was then compounded with the communal showers with the rest of the class afterwards.

Today, teachers have only got to look at a kid the wrong way and all hell is let loose.

The good old days......

FUCK OFF - IT'S FRIDAY

2005-05-13T18:09:00.000+01:00

Well - I've done it. Used the "F" word.
Can't remember the exact pneumonic for the last working day of the week because it's 15 years ago since I worked for a boss. Some chaps at work actually wore their Friday ties with it on, singing "bottle of wine, fruit of the vine" or some such shit as that. I always thought it abit immature.

Anyway, I'll make love to the gin bottle tonight as I do most nights. Maggie normally abstains from both these days!! She's out there now mowing the lawn having just mown her aged parents' lawn. She has the capacity for hard physical work that would put many males to shame. I just let her get on with it and say "doesn't the garden look nice"!!

Tony Blair ( I like B Liar best) has said that he is going to re-introduce courtesy and manners back into the populous. Where have they gone?? I've not missed them. Has anyone else? Perhaps they were illegals and have been deported and now he wants to be more conciliatory rather than presidential. Is he referring to our future pension payers and NHS customers who puke our pavements, rape old ladies and knife each other to death. Some of them get fertilised and sprout more to claim benefits. I want to know where the basic human instinct of morality has gone. Could it be a gene deficiency or a virus. The Americans will find a cure, rest assured.

The AS has been more tolerant today. Have been into York on the No 1 bus. I like buses. The vicar sitting on his own with his eyes focused on the stairs while skirt ascends. The old people who complain because I'm sitting in the seat reserved for the lame and spastic. I need 2 seats because I can't get me knees behind the seat rears. More tut - tutting. The youngsters with their mobiles and attitudes and finally, the mum's with push-chair and sprog(s). The latter invariably screaming, dummy in, sweets and toys in hands. Mum doing her best to silence the brat using carefully selected words.No abuse. I think, my god poor kid what chance does it stand of turning out to be normal. Who cares - no-one except B Liar who is going to legislate.

May the sun shine on you...........

TROUBLESOME THURSDAY

2005-05-12T17:15:00.000+01:00

My Anky Spon is being arsey today. Don't know if it's the swimming or what.
The new drugs called Arcoxia are actually an improvement on the Diclofenac. Am less stiff in the mornings and have more mobility in the pool. Perhaps that's why I hurt more as I'm doing more. Somehow, I doubt it.

Fixed the dining room chair with some nifty allen key work, but the legs don't fit properly. Everything seems to be the same today - shoddy work, thrown together either by machine or in sweat-shops overseas. Nothing's made in the UK of any repute. Now the government is moaning about the 48hr week directive that's been vetoed by the Europeans. Too bloody right. Who in god's name wants to work more than 48 hours except the self-employed. If people who are lucky enough to work actually worked efficiently and effectively then we should be working 30 hours a week and producing at least the same or even more.

The screaming kids next door have just ventured into their garden where they bounce their little arses off while looking over my fence. Why the hell didn't we make it higher when we replaced 2 years ago? Now I'll have to put sunscreen on while I sunbathe or they'll be complaining about that nutter next door exposing himself. Why can't you do what you want to anymore? My garden, not theirs.

I've had to relist my old CD player on eBay as it did not sell. I spent ages doing a fantastic job of advertising it. I had 37 nosy parkers. Well folks, it's back on for a giveaway price. Go on - have a look at 7515490274.

I just need to thank a couple of anons who have taken time out their busy schedules to congratulate me on my worthy blog. I feel really good now. No - they were not me sending them to me - too bloody obvious!!

2morrow is "FOIF" or is it "TFIF" - til then.........

WONDERFUL WEDNESDAY

2005-05-11T17:54:00.000+01:00

I used to call Wednesday's wonderful as they are 1/2 way through the working week. As they were when I worked for an employer. Running your own business, there's no such thing. You go on and on and on. Being out of work, as I am, each day is the same; even Saturdays and Sundays don't bring any relief to the sameness.

But, today is my pool day. Hydrotherapy is what it is. Held at the local disabled swimming club where they have all the staff and all the aids to stop you from drowning!! I'm the youngest there. The men seem to be more disabled than the women. Perhaps legless men became so fighting the 2nd world war. One old geezer lost half a leg from MRSA, whilst in hospital for a hernia operation. I take some comfort in the fact that many are worse off than me. But, I still think that I'm too young to be so infirm. Exercises in the pool are good. They stop me from getting any worse any quicker. Also, I can't fall over and break a leg like you can in the gym. The worse part of getting wet is dressing afterwards. Apart from the sight of absent limbs, wrinkled buttocks and shriveled members, getting socks on is a bugger.

I had 2 boiled eggs for lunch with a marmite roll. This was followed by 2 kiwi fruit which I eat complete with the skins left on. I must keep my fibre levels up to aid the free passage within the waste disposal system. Eating 2 eggs has to be countered with an opposite or else drastic measures have to be employed.
If any of you take pain-killers and anti-inflammatory drugs will know what I'm wittering on about. If you are drug free, then thank your spiritual leader.
I find it a constant battle thinking about all of this as well as dealing with the disease. Perhaps, it's called LIVING (the crap way).

Well, it passes the time!!

More ramblings tomorrow....................

TODAY'S TUESDAY

2005-05-10T16:13:00.000+01:00

Today is the day that I do a spot of advice giving. It's all FREE.

The Citizen's Advice Bureau in York offer an excellent training scheme and I've been working at becoming a fully fledged generalist adviser for about 3 years now. If I ignore the bureaucracy, it's a good system.

Yes - I'm not a fast learner, but I'm thorough. It's what I'm good at - using my life's experiences to help others. And, my god, there are a lot of folk out there who need help. I count myself lucky, inspite of my ills.

I come away from a 3 hour session feeling good because I've actually achieved something useful rather than bemoaning my ills.

It's a problem that many of us aged sick cases face. No regular employer wants us - it's not discrimatory to say that; it's bloody common sense.
I wouldn't employ me except on a ad hoc basis because I'm not reliable nor consistent. I'm a risk to myself as well as to others. Some days I feel like living. Others, death would be sweet relief. God knows how Maggie puts up with it. That is more than LOVE, it's a bloody miracle!!!
If you have a chronic illness like mine, there's two tunnels -

Death or

A frustrating, aggravating, annoying pain in the arse existence

Both have their +'s and -'s. At the end of the day, you have no choice but to "brin & gare" it. Enough of this morbidity.

I thought I would have a look a "chat room" site on the web. First for me. I would rather learn Russian!! I signed into something with a captain and his ship with an "on board". About 120 different topics on the go and all this babble babble of total indistinguishable crap. Russian must be easier to learn and a darn sight more useful! All I want is intelligent conversation to delay senility and decrepitude not a load of smiley faces and coded slang which only the under 30's would understand. What on earth were 150 under 30's doing at 3pm anyway - certainly not working according to my rules. No wonder the country is close to anarchy.

More tomorrow............

MONDAY AGAIN

2005-05-09T17:54:00.000+01:00

Time for some serious blog work.
Had a nice boozy dinner with Maggie and her aged parents last night. Consequently, woke up later than normal today. What the heck. No work. No hospital appointments. Maggie left for work at 06.45. Had an early bowel movement, which is always a good start to any day.
I am now into my 3rd year of early retirement. Forced by a failing business and poor health. I had major spinal surgery when I was 27 and have suffered from Ankylosing Spondylitis for years now, but have always managed to cope ok. I've always coped. Working for myself nearly finished me off - physically, mentally and cash-wise. But, going into business WAS my decision.
At the age of 57, I do think that I'm too young to give up. I have never given up, but I was a poor employee. Do I need to be punished for ever??
Every day, I wake up thinking that I must get a job. I need a routine. I yearn for mental stimulation and mature conversation. I want to do what I did before bloody self-employment. I managed situations, people, time and money budgets. I earned good money. I had status and self respect. All gone now.
Now - sat at home, on state benefits, with no money and no prospects. Poor old Maggie having to go out to work to earn to pay the bills. I just can't get this out of my head. I'm going mad with this continual agonising.
What can I do??
If anyone out there can offer a solution, I'd love to hear from you.

Words from My Hut

2005-05-07T17:42:00.000+01:00

Well, I have spent a lot of time fiddling around with my blogability today. Mark you, my day did not start until 13.30 GMT + 1.
Not yet worked out how to get a picture on it. Not sure about pictures really as they can be misleading. It’s better than having “?” in the allotted space, isn’t it?? I saw one photo on this blogsite of a teddy bear purporting to be the image of the person. I do think some of us are found a wee bit wanting at times, don’t you??
Some nice guy called Ian has left me words of encouragement. He was obviously short on time or just nervous to say too much. I will respond with equal politeness and who knows what could develop?
Perhaps this is what blogging is all about. I don’t have anything to sell except words. People tell me that I’m good at words and spouting forth and fifth. I’m far too modest to know. All I can say is that I’ve never heard so much crap talked since I moved to Yorkshire. The goodly folk here have never learnt the art of tact and diplomacy – you just got to see Johnny Prescott to appreciate what I’m saying. Americans will not have a clue what I’m going on about, will you?
Will have to leave it there as my dial-up time is up and goes into 1p/min, which is outside my budget. Will have to investigate broadband or is it broadbeans?

My First Blog - May 6th 2005 Friday

2005-05-07T02:20:00.000+01:00

I am not sure what I'm doing. Have got past the stage of reading instructions as I am easily confused and have developed poor memory retention. As Maggie says that I don't listen, these are extra excuses for playing dumb.
My first attempt at blogging has a good chance of falling on deaf ears and eyes but if someone does chance upon it, I would love to know what you think even if it is all utter bollocks. I'm not easily offended these days. In any case, if you are moronic enough to tell the world what's going on in your life - what do you expect.
Even Tony Blair has a dark side which I'm sure he would rather not reveal? We now all know that he is a liar!!!!!
Have run out of steam for now and I need a gin & tonic to celebrate the end of the General Election campaign and the resumation of normality of the BBC's Radio 4.
See you tomorrow.